We’ve reached the midseason point, the 6/13 mark of the year, as it were, and its team for an old fashioned JL breakdown. Complaints surfaced last week that the trophies I created had “very little to do with football or the actual action on the fault”. My response, to Mr. Kurtz – It’s fantasy football. There is no field. Except for the one we were all playing while you were tied down to Steffi, no-English speaking spokesperson for the Hitler Youth.
I’m going to steal a page from my buddy Bill Simmons, The Sports Guy, at ESPN.com, in doing these rankings of the teams. They’re not power rankings – that field belongs to the J-man. They’re more…classifications…and odds, for all the armchair gamblers in da house.
But first, a quick congratulations to Sean Jourdan, for winning the first annual Bird Shit Bowl, due to his victory over Sam this week. I tried to present the award to Sean in person, but apparently his film at
This week, it’s the Director’s Chair at stake, between me and Eddie. My superior handling of casts will outperform your technical mastery. Just wait!
THE FONTBONNE DIVISION
10. Team 9 From Outer Space – After 6 games, Matty has scored 90 points less than the next closest team. That’s 15 points per game lower than 9th place. This is a good owner and a proud franchise that’s really struggling right now – a lot like McDonald’s. The Golden Arches have it coming from all sides – the health food craze, Fat Jared’s ascension as a Subway spokesman, the resurgence of Sonic and Burger King…Matty’s team is the same way, getting pounded in a really tough division, with everyone on the team underachieving, and the two Saints on the roster getting fucked by a bad team. However, Darren McFadden is going to look great on this team next year.
9. Longhorn Deez Nuts – It looks like Corey’s reign of dominance is finally over, as Thomas Jones hasn’t transferred to the Jets like he might have, Marvin Harrison is finally showing signs of age, and Corey’s third starting WR is (gulp) Andre Davis. Throw in the Bears’ struggles on defense and offense (which hurts the opportunistic defense), and you’ve got a recipe for a let down. Oh yeah – losing Deuce McAllister to a season-ender didn’t help either.
THE BAD BEAT DIVISION
8. Stanford Spliffs – Sam doesn’t believe in God. That explains a lot. For the second straight year, Samuel Solomon Gross is being victimized by a brutal schedule where opponents seem to turn out their best weeks when playing him. This squad needs a little fantasy Viagra, as neither Johnson in the starting lineup can stay healthy. Also, Drew Brees has looked like Aaron Brooks and Reggie Brown…well…I’m really sorry I told you to pick him last year buddy.
7. Conatus – Mark Lyons doesn’t believe in God. That explains a lot. For the second straight year, Mark Lyons is being victimized by a schedule where opponents always seem to turn out their best weeks against him. Here are the scores put up by Mark’s opponents: 118, 161, 103, 97, 114, 156. At 0-6, Mark is still very much in the running for the most points wild card spots, but how long can he really avoid tilt when he looks over and sees me starting Tom Brady every week?
THE UPSTART
6.
THE DARK HORSE
5. Deuce’s Loose – I tried to offer Eddie a trade today, and was bewildered to find that his team is actually pretty good. Quarterback is the only real weakness, and I’d say the jury is still way, way out on how Philip Rivers is going to be long term. There are three gimme wins left on the schedule, so Eddie has no excuse for not getting 7 or 8 wins and locking up a playoff spot. This also has to be the most curious WR corps in the league; with out of nowhere Wes Welker 12th in the league in scoring, old standby Santana Moss 73rd, and Derrick Mason, probably the least talked about top 20 WR ever, holding fast at #21.
LURKING
4. Skillz Playaz Clubb – The JL defending champ hasn’t made much noise this year, mainly due to LT’s early season struggles. With Stojak’s sack of magic beans gone, his team has looked mortal, but the Great Tomlinson cooked up some of that old elixir last week on his way to 4 scores and 47 fantasy points. The stable of RBs (Frank Gore, Marshawn Lynch, MJD, Julius Jones) should give Stojak tons of trading deadline power, and this bunch has already reclaimed the D2 scoring lead.
THE COMMISHES
3. Hogwarts Whorecruxes – The league’s only team in history to change its name not once, but twice, got out of the gates fast, but has since been crippled by injuries to all-star backs Shaun Alexander and Steven Jackson. WR Larry Fitzgerald is really good, but always seems one year away from truly realizing his dredlocked potential. Credit my co-commish for keeping his house in order, as all the peripheral pieces (TE Shockey, D Pats, K Gostkowski), have been superb, keeping him right in the thick of the race.
2. Naughty Secretaries – Yeah, my team has been pretty good, with the top QB, 2 of the top 4 RBs, and the best young WR in the game with Roy Williams. Add to that my stellar pickups of Santonio Holmes and the Packers D, and its hard to tell how good I can be if Vernon Davis gets healthy. But there’s something nagging me, saying that this team can’t quite win the J-Bowl…no, that’s just the fajita I just ate from Taco Burrito House talking. My team is really good.
THE CLUBHOUSE LEADER
Projected Final Standings:
D1
Sean 11-2
Jared 9-4
Eddie 7-6
Sam 4-9
Mark 3-10
D2
Golden 10-3
Stojak 10-3
Spernoga 7-6
Corey 5-8
Matty 3-10
Playoffs:
Wild Card Round
Stojak over Eddie
Jared over Spernoga
Semifinals
Golden over Stojak
Sean over Jared
J-Bowl
Sean over Golden
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