Romo Receives Contract Extension; Favre Allowed to Retire

Romo Receives Contract Extension; Favre Finally Allowed to Retire

(AP) Dallas – In an impromptu press conference following the Cowboys’ 35-7 win over St. Louis today, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that Dallas QB Tony Romo had signed a multi-million dollar contract extension, getting $44.8 million to be the NFL’s “scrappy white-guy quarterback” for the next four years.

“We couldn’t have found a better guy to succeed the legendarily scrappy Brett Favre,” Goodell said, with the Cowboys’ All-American single star logo behind him. “Tony is a fine successor to Brett’s scrappy legacy, and we will be honored to have him as the league’s poster boy white, protestant gun-slinger in to the next decade.”

Goddell cited Romo’s humble upbringings, small college grooming, scrambling ability and extreme white-ness as further support for the league’s decision to pin its marketing efforts for the next five years on his shoulders.

Romo took over for struggling Cowboys QB Drew Bledsoe midway through the 2006 season after barely making the Dallas roster during training camp. Romo’s entrance was part of a pregame plan to send in the scrappy backup if Bledsoe encountered trouble, but legend has it that Cowboys coach Bill Parcells peered down the bench, and, unable to recall Romo’s name, pointed at the newcomer, saying “Hey, you. Go do something special.”

While full details of the contract extension have not been made available, Goodell did make clear that, after years of debating the move, Packers QB Brett Favre would finally be allowed to retire.

“Brett Favre has been scrappy for over 250 consecutive games, and has really set the standard by which all future gunslingers will be defined” Goodell said. He then added, “Brett is also exceptionally white.”

Favre, who was hunting grouse with his bare hands, was unavailable for comment.

The new marketing plan was not met without criticism, however, as some questioned whether Romo was indeed a worthy successor to Favre’s scrappy mantle.

“This is ludicrous, Brett has already shown this year that he has plenty of gunslinging left in him” said Favre’s representative, Mississippi lawyer Jimbo Hutchins. “Tony Romo is a fine quarterback, but he doesn’t have nearly the down-home accent, or force nearly enough dangerous passes in to traffic to be taking Brett’s place. He probably doesn’t even fish.”

Both Favre and Romo have, by virtue of their inimitable John Wayne-cowboy like personalities, led their teams to undefeated 4-0 records in 2007. Hutchins suggested displacing the Super Bowl with one “Scrappy Bowl”, which would pit Romo and Favre in a decathlon of sorts, combining their talents at running the two-minute drill and growing facial hair in to one made-for-TV event. Goodell would not comment on the plan.

Although the plan has his critics, there are plenty of NFL fans eager for Romo to take the helm from Favre. Various Cowboy fans gathered at the event expressed pride at Romo’s decision to date pretty, but not too pretty country star Carrie Underwood. Underwood is seen by most NFL fans as an attractive, but in no way threatening or sexual romantic option, like one that might befit more successful but less scrappy quarterbacks such as New England’s Tom Brady.

Hitchins also pointed to the ill-fated move to replace Lawrence Taylor with Ray Lewis as the league’s “Killer Linebacker” as evidence that occasionally, these plans backfire. Critics of the linebacker plan often that debacle, when the league sought to replace LT, who always appeared on the verge of killing his opponents, with Lewis, who actually went on to murder someone.

According to Goodell, several quarterbacks have been considered for the post in the previous five years since Favre began to visibly age. According to Goodell, the NFL at one point considered Jeff Garcia, Jake Delhomme and Ben Roethlisberger were considered for the scrappy title. Goodell also mentioned that Jay Cutler had been given strong consideration because of his gentle Southern drawl and propensity for throwing back breaking interceptions.

“Ultimately, the decision was very easy,” said Goodell. “We found plenty of quarterbacks that were either scrappy or gunslingers, but until Tony, we hadn’t found one who combined those two adjectives so successfully.”

ESPN’s Chris Berman expressed special excitement at Romo’s promotion because of the natural conduciveness of Romo’s surname to creating mind-numbing nicknames for use on the long-running NFL Live.

“It’s absolutely poifect,” Berman said in his oft-deployed Yosemite Sam impersonation. “There’s ‘Tony When in Romo’, ‘Tony Romo Wasn’t Built in a Day’…I might even crazy now and then and bust out ‘Tony Romo Is Burning’!”

Goodell said that everyone in the league was very grateful this long process was over, so that the league could move on to finding a Latino or Asian head coach that could soon become the first to represent his race in the Super Bowl.

“This has been a taxing but rewarding process,” Goodell said beleaguredly. “Ultimately, we’re all just happy Brett can finally retire in peace.”

SEC Week in Review: Week Five

What a week in the SEC! Auburn bounced back from a disappointing start to remind the world, and the Gators, just how tough this conference is top-to-bottom. Most of the other favorites survived, but not without some fireworks. Here’s a rundown:

Game of the Week

Auburn 20, Florida 17 – The Gators lost to Auburn for the second straight year, losing Urban Meyer’s first game at the Swamp, and finally coming off last year’s National Championship cloud. With 6 of the top 13 teams losing Saturday, Florida’s hopes to repeat aren’t dead, but like last year, they’ll need a lot of help and an unblemished mark the rest of the way, which begins with a brutal three game road stretch through LSU, Kentucky and Georgia. Ben Tate and Mario Fannin combined for 127 yards rushing, and Auburn QB Brandon Cox played a near flawless game, going 17-26 for 227 yards, a great outing for a signal caller that had been criticized endlessly in the last few weeks. Florida’s Tim Tebow was great, as usual, but the Gators got too little production from anyone else to sustain scoring drives until it was too late.

Best of the Rest

Florida State 21, Alabama 14 – Give the cat two weeks to prepare, and ol’ Bobby Bowden can still craft a pretty nice game plan. Xavier Lee played for the first time in 2007, and led the ‘Noles in the air (12-18, 224 yards) and on the ground (11 cars, 59 yards). Lee connected on long pass plays to Greg Carr and De’Cody Fagg. Despite a respectable 677 yards of offense, these teams were scoreless until the 10:50 mark of the third period. Alabama’s John Parker Wilson went 28-53 for 240 yards and two late scores, but you know that Nick Saban isn’t dreaming up 53 pass game plans at night. ‘Bama has to run better to be a championship SEC team. They will run better eventually, with freshman Terry Grant, but that time isn’t now, and Wilson isn’t a QB able to carry a great SEC team.

South Carolina 38, Mississippi State 21 – The visiting Bulldogs led deep into the third period, getting two short Anthony Dixon TD runs to go up 21-17. But new Gamecock QB Chris Smelley kept throwing, and Mike Davis scored twice in the fourth as USC won by 17. MSU was really close in this game, but the defense broke down late and couldn’t stop Carolina on third down, surrendering 9 of 18 on possession downs. The Gamecocks probably found a QB, as Smelley threw pretty well, but K/P Ryan Succop may follow Blake Mitchell to the chopping block: Succop missed a FG and punted weakly, for just 33.5 yards per kick. MSU punter Blake McAdams, by contrast, helped his team’s weak offense stay in the game with a 46 yard average on 6 kicks.

Ho Hum

LSU 34, Tulane 9 – The Tigers struggled with their instate kin, trailing 9-7 before Colt David hit a FG with 3 seconds left in the third. Tulane was still in it until Charles Scott galloped 35 yards with 12 minutes left to give LSU a 27-9 win. The Tigers certainly didn’t overwhelm Tulane, but they fought till the end, and dominated the Green Wave yardage wise, 391-227. Tulane’s Matt Forte, coming off a 303 yard, 5TD outing, mustered a respectable 73 yards on 16 carries, but Tulane had zero success through the air, netting just 12 of 32 completions for 139 yards. Still, the slow start for LSU has to have some in Bayou wondering if this team had some weaknesses exposed, or was just looking ahead a bit to Florida.

Georgia 45, Ole Miss 17 – The ‘Dawgs remained tied in to the third quarter against Ole Miss, the worst team in the nation’s best conference, but Georgia put on the afterburners to win going away, 45-17, with four running TDs in the last 18 minutes of the contest. Thomas Brown ran wild (16 cars, 180 yards), getting almost as many yards on 16 carries against Ole Miss as he had on 54 carries in the first four games. Knowshon Moreno was also solid, going for 90 yards and a score. Georgia could have been a little better on defense, however, as Rebel QB Seth Adams completed almost 70% of his passes for 228 yards, and BenJarvus Green-Ellis got 108 yards on the ground. Still, this was a solid win, an SEC win, and a nice springboard to the tougher battles that lie ahead.

Vanderbilt 30, Eastern Michigan 7 – The score doesn’t look like a total blowout, but Vandy destroyed the Eagles on Parents’ Weekend in Nashville, holding EMU to just 173 yards of total offense, including just 62 yards on 30 carries on the ground. Vandy won on first downs, 23-10 and in total yardage, 341-173. So, the defense looked as much like a bruising SEC unit as it ever will, and QB Chris Nickson ran for 67 yards on 12 carries . But where did all the INT come from? Nickson tossed 4 picks in to the porous Eagle D in just 28 attempts. That’s not gonna fly when the Commodores head to Dixie.

Boooooooring

Kentucky 45, Florida Atlantic 17 – Andre Woodson finally threw an INT, but he was exceptional nonetheless, throwing 26-33 for 301 yards and 5 TDs. Rafael Little was good again, getting 112 yards on 20 carries, but I’d still contend that the Wildcats haven’t faced a real defense, but they’ll get their chance, going to South Carolina next Thursday, and getting LSU and Florida at home to follow. Right now, the Wildcats are the only SEC East team without a loss, and they’ll be chased like a front runner for as long as their lead lasts.

Arkansas 66, North Texas 7 – This was as boring as boring gets, with the Hogs jumping out to a 45-0 lead with 5 minutes left in the first half, and the scoring didn’t stop until Jerell Norton returned an INT 100 yards with just 31 seconds left in the contest. Arkansas ripped off 713 yards, including seeing Darren McFadden, Felix Jones and Brandon Barnett all hit the century mark on the ground. This team won’t convince me until it can pass against a good defense.

Big Ten Week in Review: Week Five

What a week in the Big Ten! Leaving the big Illini victory to Jeff, let’s take a lot at what went down around the conference:

Game of the Week

Wisconsin 37, Michigan State 34 – The Spartans exposed the weak Badger defense Saturday, but couldn’t shut down PJ Hill or Tyler Donovan enough to get a win. MSU had two chance in the fourth, but missed a field goal with a few minutes left and stalled out on 4^th down in the waning seconds. Wisconsin TE Travis Beckum (10 rec., 132 yds.) had his first real big game of 2007, and Tyler Donovan got another nice win to move to 7-0 as a starter. The Spartans have nothing to be ashamed of; there was no meltdown, just coming up a few points short against a better team on the road. Brian Hoyer was solid (22-36, 323 yds.) and Javon Ringer (10 rec., 145 yds.) showed explosiveness we’ve rarely seen from him. The Badgers’ schedule gets really tough after this, with road trips the next two weeks at Illinois and Penn State; if the defense plays like they did today, they’ll lose one or both of those games.

Best of the Rest

Michigan 28, Northwestern 16 – So, Michigan’s back, right? Maybe not. The Wolverines got beat up at Northwestern for the better part of three quarters before a 5 yard TD pass from Chad Henne to Carson Butler brought them within 2, at 16-14. After a Wildcat fumble, Adrian Arrington caught a TD pass to give Michigan the lead, and UM went on to win, 28-16. Here’s how ridiculous this game was: Northwestern committed 5 turnovers to Michigan’s 0. If someone told you Michigan would win the turnover battle by 5, and not take the lead until the mid-fourth quarter, you would have laughed, right? I have no idea what to expect of Michigan going forward, but Northwestern showed some sparks, with Omar Conteh getting 115 yards rushing to bring his career total to 213.

Ho Hum

Purdue 33, Notre Dame 19 – The Irish are improving and, to their credit, haven’t gone totally in the tank after the embarrassing start. But their best still wasn’t good enough Saturday, as they fell to Purdue 33-19, despite getting great work off the bench from deposed QB Evan Sharpley (16-26, 208 yards). ND’s best effort probably won’t be good enough until they face Navy at 0-8, so until then they’ve got to figure out this QB thing. Sharpley is better right now, but Clausen is obviously the future. Purdue got the win, but disappointed in a couple areas: Curtis Painter threw his second and third picks of the year, and the Boilers surrendered 377 yards to a passing attack that had previously been downright anemic.

Indiana 38, Iowa 20 – Two teams showed their true colors in Iowa City yesterday, as Indiana proved they are a contender for a solid bowl game this season, and the Hawkeyes showed how suspect their secondary really is, and how much they’ve fallen off since the glory days of the Kirk Ferentz era just a few short years ago. Iowa got torched for two long touchdowns in the first half, and fell victim to a flukey 71 yard fumble recovery TD by Indiana’s QB, Kellen Lewis (19-26, 322 yards). In addition to all Iowa’s other problems, they’ve got kicking issues now, as both Daniel Murray and Austin Signor continues their struggles, missing 3 kicks between them. With Penn State, Illinois, Purdue and Michigan State looming, Iowa could very, very easily be 0-6 in Big Ten play by November.

Booooooooooooooring

Ohio State 30, Minnesota 7 – Another workmanlike outing from the Buckeyes, who continue to roll along headed in to next weekend’s showdown in West Lafayette. OSU is giving up 7.2 points per game, and stayed right on course with a lockdown effort on a solid Gopher attack, holding Minny to just 45 yards on the ground. What is there to say about this game? OSU was solid as can be; they got production from QB Todd Boeckman (18-29, 208 yards, 2 TD), RB Chris Wells (24 cars, 116 yards) and, of course, the defense.

Central Michigan 35, Northern Illinois 10

Central Michigan got four TDs in the first fifteen and a half minutes, then coasted to a 35-10 win over Northern Illinois at CMU’s Homecoming on Saturday. The Chips slowed down in the second half, but had already kept their foot on the gas long enough to build an insurmountable lead.

The win snapped a 9-game losing streak for CMU against NIU, and may have sent a message to the MAC that, despite their slow start, the Chippewas (2-3, 2-0 MAC) are still a threat to win the conference.

Chips RB Justin Hoskins, who started in place of Ontario Sneed, said afterward that the game had extra meaning to CMU, coming off last week’s embarrassing 44-14 home loss to FCS squad North Dakota State. Hoskins ran for a nifty 40-yard touchdown on his first carry of the game, capping a quick 4 play, 80-yard drive for the Chippewas’ first score.

So was this a statement game, Hoskins was asked at the post-game press conference? “Yep,” the junior back said emphatically. “We ain’t playing no games.”

Hoskins ran for 93 yards on 14 carries and two scores after making the surprise start. CMU Coach Butch Jones gave no specific reason for Hoskins’ replacement of Sneed, other than to say that Hoskins had had a great week of practice and had “earned the right to start.” The Chippewas did rotate Hoskins and Sneed, but Sneed was far less effective, netting just 39 yards on 12 carries.

Northern Illinois (1-4, 0-2 MAC) got 157 rushing yards from Justin Anderson, including 59 on an opening drive that spanned 17 plays before Chris Nendick missed on an ugly field goal attempt from 21 yards. The Chips took over, and four plays later, Hoskins had them in the end zone.

On NIU’s next drive, the Huskies penetrated the Chips’ five yard line, only to come up empty handed once again. Central Michigan’s Red Keith, the leading active tackler in the FBS, forced Anderson to fumble, and CMU’s Frank Zombo recovered. Starting from their own one-yard line, the Chips gained first downs on three straight drop back pass plays, and were off to the races yet again. Once Central found itself in scoring position, Coach Butch Jones resorted to a bit of trickery.

On a play designed to look like an end-around to CMU WR Duane Brooks, QB Dan LeFevour snuck down the left sideline unmarked. As he approached the right edge, Brooks pulled up and threw a gorgeous soft lob to LeFevour, who didn’t have a defender within 15 yards of him. LeFevour walked in, and the Chips led by two scores.

“We’ve got Brooks, and we’ve got Gene Pitts, who is also a former quarterback,” Jones said afterward. “So we’ve got a few of those that we can throw in any week. The key with a successful trick play is knowing when to use it.”

The shootout continued throughout the first quarter, as both teams moved with ease by land and air. The two squads combined for 414 yards in the first period alone, a number which excludes Antonio Brown’s electrifying 90-yard kick return, which gave CMU a 21-7 lead with 1:31 to play in the quarter.

After NIU sophomore Zach Larsen fumbled the ensuing kickoff, Central took over deep in Northern territory. Five plays later, the Chips and LeFevour were the endzone again, taking a 28-7 lead on the signal-caller’s two yard QB sneak.

The Huskies, coming off their first win of the year at Idaho, outgained CMU by over 100 yards, 521-381, but were crippled by five turnovers and the special teams mishaps.

Remarkably, there was no second half scoring after all the fireworks of the first act. CMU brought their attack mostly between the tackles in an effort to run clock, and Northern struggled as they were forced to become one-dimensional, trailing by 25.

Central Michigan will head in to next week’s showdown at Ball State as the sole leader in MAC West divisional play at 2-0. Northern Illinois falls to 0-2, and plays Temple next Saturday in Philadelphia.

Virginia Tech vs. North Carolina Preview

The Hokies looked great in dispatching William & Mary Saturday, 44-3. Tyrod Taylor got a lot of great reps, and the defense brought their A-game. But VA Tech is faced with a strange challenge; thanks to a weird scheduling quirk that gave Virginia three September ACC games, its not even October yet, and the Hokies are already three behind the Cavaliers in the win column. Tech gets their chance to start gaining ground this week against North Carolina. Let’s take a look:

North Carolina (1-3, 0-1 ACC)

Offense: The Heels are off to another bad start, and with Duke finally breaking the two-year losing streak, UNC is probably the ACC’s worst team. But Carolina is not without weapons, as QB T.J. Yates has been a fairly accurate passer to date. Yates is 3^rd in the ACC in passing efficiency and 2^nd in the conference in total offense (244.50 ypg). Yates was looking like a major freshman of the year candidate before a brutal outing in last week’s 37-10 loss to South Florida. Jim Leavitt’s Bull defense frustrated Yates in to throwing 4 picks and completing just 11 of 27 passes. This week will be a great indication of whether that outing was a one week aberration or if the Bulls wrote the book on how to stop this talented freshman. To say the Carolina rush attack has been anemic would almost be a compliment. The Heels are 110^th in the NCAA in rush yards per game, with freshman Johnny White leading the way at 48.5 yards per game. White hasn’t had a single game above 60 yards, and hasn’t been much of a hom run threat either. White won’t get many yards against Tech, but it would help an awful lot to get him some looks through the air as well. White caught 4 balls against East Carolina for 58 yards, and the added dimension helped Carolina to their most impressive offensive output of the year. Yates’ big numbers have helped UNC host three of the ACC’s top 10 pass-catchers, statistically, at this point in the year. Brooks Foster leads the way with 15 catches for 277 yards (5^th in ACC in yards) and Hakeem Nicks is next with 18 catches for 243 yards (7^th in conference.) Junior Brandon Tate is 10^th in the conference with 214 yards on just 8 catches, but Carolina’s long-ball guy disappeared against South Florida, grabbing just one ball for 6 yards. IF the line can’t pass protect (74^th in NCAA in sacks allowed), the home run balls aren’t going to be there, and Yates can be contained. Center Scott Lenahan is a returning starter and team captain in the middle of the line.

Defense: Welcome to Butch Ball. The ‘Heel actually hasn’t been that bad, ranking 60^th nationally in yards surrendered, and 68^th in scoring D. Sure, its not great, but might indicate how this team is going to be built under new sheriff Davis’ tutelage. UNC has been equally mediocre against run and pass, coming in at 59^th nationally against the pass and 64^th against the run. They’re not pressuring QBs (9^th in ACC in sacks, 1.75 per game) but they are sticking a lot of running backs for short losses (4^th in ACC in TFL, 7.25 per game), and that has to be seen as a building block on Chapel Hill. One thing UNC isn’t doing is creating turnovers, at a -5 deficit on the year, and the secondary hasn’t helped, snaring a pitiful 2 INT in the first 4 games. There have been some standout individual performers so far, though. LB Durell Mapp is a three-year letterwinner who’s picked up right where he left off at the end of last year’s ACC campaign. Mapp had 87 stops last year, and already has 50 this season, good for tops in the conference and 6^th nationally. DL Hilee Taylor is a nice compliment to Mapp, and is really the big threat to do damage to opposing drives. Taylor has 4.5 sacks, including 3 against Virginia, and already has a total of 8 stops for a loss in just four games. Taylor is a senior with just 41 total tackles coming in to the year; the Heels needed someone to step up on the defensive line, and he’s done it. The secondary doesn’t have a lot of top-flight talent; one of the squad’s two pick came courtesy of Deunta Williams, who is still listed on the team roster as a WR. This should be another chance of Tyrod Taylor to build confidence.

Special Teams: Brandon Tate has gotten off to a great start returning both punts and kicks. Tate’s averages of 11 per punt return and 27 per kick return are both in the top 6 in the ACC. Senior kicker Connor Barth hasn’t been given much chance to help out this year, but has been solid throughout his career. He’s 38 of 52 on field goals lifetime.

Prediction: The schedule puts another game in Tech’s path that provides a chance for a lot of the new pieces to learn, develop and get more game reps. This is a particularly nice matchup for Tech because their pass rush should have a chance to really come to life and take away Carolina’s deep threats. Another week, another step toward the division title. Virginia Tech 35, North Carolina 10.

Big Ten Week Preview: Week Five

It was a big week in Big Ten action last Saturday, as Michigan got back to good, Ohio State showed they’d never left, Wisconsin survived, Illinois thrived and Michigan State, well, they won too. What’s on tap for the last Saturday in September? Read on!

Last Week: 5-0

Season: 28-7

GAME OF THE WEEK

Michigan State (4-0) at Wisconsin (4-0, 1-0 Big Ten) – Are the Badgers for real? They’ve got the nation’s longest winning streak but have been underwhelming all year, with squeaker wins against UNLV and Iowa to go with a shockingly porous defensive performance against the Citadel. The Spartans have been as good as anyone in East Lansing could have hoped at year’s start. The defense feasted on Notre Dame just like they should have, and is giving up only 15.50 points a game, good for 14^th nationally. Senior DL Jonal Saint-Dic is having a monster year, with 6 sacks, 8 TFL and 5 forced fumbles in just three games. The defense leads the nation in sacks, and that’s reason for hope, heading in to Madison, where the Badgers are giving up way more sacks (8 so far) than they should be. Tyler Donovan, the Badgers’ starting QB, has been efficient, but will have to be quick with his passes against this rush. MSU is going to be in this game late in to the fourth quarter, but I think Wisconsin survives by putting it all on PJ Hill and letting him make his Heisman case. Wisconsin 19, Michigan State 16.

BEST OF THE REST

Indiana (3-1, 0-1 Big Ten) at Iowa (2-2, 0-1 Big Ten) – Two teams licking their wounds dance in Iowa City in a rematch of last year’s Hoosier victory in Bloomington. Indiana disappointed me with a gag-erific four-fumble performance against the Illini last week. Did Illinois write the book on beating the Hoosiers? Lewis got his passes in, but wasn’t allowed to do much running, getting just 35 net yards on the ground. Iowa, on the other hand, is signing up players off the street and getting them in the two-deeps at wideout. Four Iowa receivers appear to be out for the year with injuries/suspensions, and that’s the last thing Jake Christensen needs at this stage in his development. Last week I tried paging Albert Young, who I’m becoming more and more convinced is suffering from some hush-hush injury. This week, I’ll try Damien Sims, the very talented back up who spelled Young many times last year. Both these teams are at a crossroads; if Iowa loses, it’ll be 2-4 when Illinois comes to town. If Indiana loses, all the promise of the 3-0 start is gone, and its back to trying to grind out a minor bowl bid. Most homefields are worth 3 points. Kinnick Stadium is worth 7. Iowa 20, Indiana 13.

HO HUM

Ohio State (4-0, 1-0 Big Ten) at Minnesota (1-3, 0-1 Big Ten) I’m telling you right now, as long as the Gophers are averaging 20 points a game during the fourth quarter and OT, they’ll never be in the “boooooring” category. Amir Pinnix is an underrated back, at 110 yards per game, and QB Adam Weber has run well along with backup RB Duane Bennett. Weber seemed to make some strides last week, throwing less dangerous passes and cutting his INT output to 1, instead of the 4 he chucked against Florida Atlantic. The defense still has an awful case of the Triple Digits, at 106^th or worse nationally in yards, points, punting, pass efficiency and sacks. What more can be said about Ohio State, who seems solid up and down the lineup as usual. The Bucks have lost only 1 in their last 24 games, and this is just the kind of reckless squad that Tressel’s Troops will feast on. Ohio State 45, Minnesota 20.

Notre Dame (0-4) at Purdue (4-0, 1-0 Big Ten) – So, sue me, I lost interest in this whole “Notre Dame Stinks” story awhile ago. Yet, there’s something kind of intriguing about Cowboy Tiller getting Charlie Tuna in his house in west Indiana, as the Boilers get a chance to avenge abuse that goes back a lot farther than last year’s defeat. Curtis Painter’s TD-INT mark is 16-1, and Dorien Bryant has gone over 12 catches and 111 yards twice so far. To top that off, the offensive line has allowed just 2 sacks in 171 pass attempts, a truly astonishing number. ND will score another offensive touchdown (maybe two), but blood is going to be in the air at Ross-Ade, and Purdue won’t disappoint. Purdue 45, Notre Dame14.

Boooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring

Michigan (2-2, 1-0 Big Ten) at Northwestern (2-2, 0-1 Big Ten) – Now that Michigan is back on the horse, they’ve suddenly become very not interesting again. Two weeks ago, this one looked great on paper – the ‘Cats were 2-0, Michigan was 0-2, and could it really happen at Ryan Field? Now, the Michigan D is playing like a showstopper and the Wildcats are just trying to figure out which loss was more embarrassing – dropping to Duke at home or getting demolished in Columbus. The Wildcat line play has been ugly, with 12 sacks given up and just 3 recorded, while the running game is still searching for an identity, especially now with Tyrell Sutton likely on the fritz. Mike Hart wins a few more Heisman voters over, and Michigan takes one step closer to redemption. Michigan 40, Northwestern 12.

ACC Power Rankings: Week Five

The ACC race ratchets up a notch this week with most teams starting to play conference battles every week. I’m not sure what the stat is on this exactly, but I’ll be this is the first time in conference history that two teams are 3-0 in ACC play before the end of September. How do they all stack up? Read on.

1. Boston College – The Eagles look really special so far, and now enter the warm gooey center of the 2007 slate, with home dates against UMASS and Bowling Green before heading to Notre Dame. All UMASS can do is play defense, all Bowling Green can do is pass, and Notre Dame can’t do either. Barring catastrophe, this team will be top-8 ranked and 7-0 headed in to Blacksburg in four weeks. Matt Ryan looks like a first round draft pick under center, and the pass protection has been great, allowing just one sack per game.

2. Virginia Tech – Tyrod Taylor got some nice reps against William & Mary, and the Hokie D should feast on a UNC line that won’t protect a vicious pass rush too well. There’s probably not a team left on the schedule other than BC that can put up 20 points against Tech unless disaster strikes. The offensive line has been a disappointment, surrendering 14 sacks in 4 games; that’s not all to blame on Sean Glennon.

3. Clemson – Assuming there’s no meltdown against the Jackets this weekend, the Tigers will be 5-0 when the Hokies come a’callin’ next Saturday. Cullen Harper will get his first taste of a top-flight front four against VA Tech. Would you believe that in limited action last year and four starts this year, Harper’s TD-INT ratio is 14-0. Awesome stuff. Will the special teams play improve? Clemson is 109^th nationally in punting (30.39 per punt) and 96^th in kick returns. That’s death in the ACC slugfests down the road.

4. Wake Forest – I should have never underestimated the Deacons. Wake was my war horse in spots betting last year, and I went back to the well for a nice spread win vs. Maryland last week. Er, wrong column. The offensive skill positions have been predictably ugly, but the lines seem to be holding up well; the big uglies are netting 2.5 sacks a game compared to giving up just 1.25. Senior DL Jeremy Thompson has been the star up front, dropping opposing QBs five times.

5. Florida State – 5^th in the conference still isn’t going to tickle the Noles’ funny bones after years of dominance, but it isn’t too bad considering where the team was last year. For my money, they’re still quite a bit worse than Clemson, but the run D has been pretty good since losing to the Tigers, holding UAB and Colorado to under 50 yards a game. Camp Bowden has had two weeks to scheme for ‘Bama, and they better figure a way to protect QB Drew Weatherford. FSU is 10^th in the ACC in sacks allowed.

6. Maryland – Oh, the one that got away. Maryland was on the verge of going up 31-3 when a 100 yard or so defensive TD put Wake back in it, and the Terps still haven’t stopped bleeding. They head to Piscataway this week to face a Rutgers squad that is probably a wee bit better than they were when this one was scheduled. LB Erin Anderson has a whopping 22 solo tackles, with at least 11 stops in each of the last three games and 8 TFL on the year.

7. Miami – The ‘Canes showed a little bite to go with that omnipresent bark last Thursday, beating an A&M squad that isn’t that great, but doing it soundly. Kyle Wright has been almost eerily efficient since taking the reins against Florida International, but the real hero on offense has been Freshman RB Graig Cooper, stepping up to provide a counterpunch to the efficient passing of Wright and running of Javarris James. Gotta love the ‘Canes adorably foreign kicker, Francesco Zampogna, 8^th in the nation with 8 FG made.

8. Virginia – Call me crazy, but I’m still not buying it. This team has eeked wins over Duke, UNC and now Georgia Tech, and they’re either very mediocre, or just “know how to win.” I’ll take the first option, although we might not find out for sure for quite awhile. Its three against Pitt, MTSU and UCONN now, and the Cavs could easily be 6-1 headed to College Park on October 20^th. The offense has been downright awful, ranking 91^st or worse in rush yards, pass yards, totally yards and points. Punter Ryan Weigand might be the MVP. His 49 yards per punt rank second nationally, a cool 18 yards per boot farther than Clemson’s average.

9. Georgia Tech – Here’s another bad team with a great punter. Durant Brooks is clipping the heels of UVA’s Ryan Weigand at 46 a boot, but once again, the Jackets can’t pass. Tashard Choice is a all-world feature back in an attack that contained another option. When the line stops protecting this well (tied for first in ACC with 4 sacks allowed), and they might, all hell is going to break loose on this offense.

10. Duke – The Dukies defy gravity yet again, rising up from 11^th to 10^th thanks to a major offensive performance against Navy. The Middies haven’t been bombed like that since Pearl Harbor, as Thaddeus Lewis took a major step forward, tossing for 428 yards and four scores. Eron Riley caught 6 balls for an insane 239 yards. Did they run out of gas? Duke moved forward only 14 yards in the fourth quarter. Now the Devils face an unfamiliar situation – rebounding from losing a game they really, really should have won.

11. NC State – NC State’s strength of schedule leapt to the moon with Wofford slashing Appalachian State, but their run D ain’t getting any better (115^th in NCAA, 247 yards per game). Teams don’t really need to throw much against this bunch, since they’re always beating the Wolfpack. Andre Brown is performing solidly as the feature back; how about finding him more on pass routes, as NC State did against BC, to the tune of 7 catches for 77 yards?

12. North Carolina – Pull back the reins on that T.J. Yates for Heisman campaign. Yates got terrorized by the South Florida defense last weekend, throwing just 11 of 24 of 70 yards and 4 picks, a sharp contrast to the efficiency he showed early in the year. The Carolina D has been respectable, but they have to force more turnovers. Just two picks in four games is inexcusable.

C-USA Week Preview: Week Five

The Golden Hurricane gets the UAB Blazers at home Saturday, Tulane gets a visit from the Bayou Bengals and Southern Miss goes Smurfing in Boise. Another big week in the C-USA; how do I see it? Read on.

GAME OF THE WEEK

East Carolina (1-3, 0-1 CUSA) at Houston (2-1, 1-0 CUSA) – The Pirates are trying to keep their season from swirling out of control after losing a tight battle to Southern Miss and then getting only 95 yards in the first 55 minutes against the Mountaineers. The one bright spot for ECU has been a front four that sites at 3^rd in CUSA in sacks and 2^nd in TFL; the problem is, the secondary’s been so weak that when opposing QBs do release a pass, it is very too often completed. Houston has looked good against two out of conference opponents, and the comeback last week against Colorado State could inject the Cougs with some momentum. Houston’s got no major weaknesses, at 21^st nationally in rushing, 35^th in passing and 37^th in scoring. Those are good numbers for a CUSA squad that has done battle with two good out of conference foes, and if they can start holding on to the ball (-5 turnover margin in just 3 games), this team could be the C-USA favorite. Houston 28, East Carolina 16.

BEST OF THE REST

Southern Miss (2-1) at Boise State (2-1) – The Golden Eagles go Smurfing in Boise against a Bronco squad that finally saw its buzz wear off with a defeat against Washington that snapped the nation’s longest winning streak. Jared Zabransky is off doing video game covers, but Ian Johnson is still around, and the junior in closing on 3,000 rushing yards in a career that could end up being one of the greatest ever in a Broncos’ uniform. Johnson will be trying to elude So. Miss’ sophomore LB Gerald McRath who has been a tackling machine, with 40 in 3 games, good for second nationally. I’ve still got the Eagles in my CUSA top three, but it won’t be enough to beat Boise where few can. Boise State 33, Southern Miss 20.

UAB (1-2, 0-0 CUSA) at Tulsa (2-1, 0-0 CUSA) – The Blazers improved a lot between weeks one and two, losses to Michigan State and Florida State by 37 and 10, respectively. Still, both sides of the ball are 90^th or worse in nationally in almost every major category, including 104^th in total offense, a mark that should have Tulsa dialed in on improvement this week. The best news for Tulsa is that the UAB secondary has 1 pick in three games, and ranks 11^th in the league in defending the pass. Paul Smith, you’re going to Disney World. Tulsa 40, UAB 28.

La-Lafayette (0-4) at UCF (2-1) – The Knight offense is led by star back Kevin Smith (163.33 ypg, 3^rd in NCAA), but he really hasn’t been a one man show. The entire offense is doing a great job at converting yards in to points (20^th in scoring), and I’m not sure anybody has a great idea how to defend George O’Leary’s two headed quarterback monster featuring Kyle Israel and Michael Greco. UCF gets a taste of their own medicine, with junior LA-LAF QB Michael Desormeaux coming to town. Desormeaux is ripping off yards by land (82 carries, 422 yards) and by air (59-107, 617 yards). Smith vs. Desormeaux should be worth the price of admission, but La-Laf plays worse defense than the Knights. That’ll make the difference. UCF 37, La-Lafayette 27.

HO-HUM

LSU (4-0) at Tulane (1-2) – As cool as this game is in theory, with two schools hurt by Hurricane Katrina meeting in the Super Dome, its going to be a stinker in reality, with LSU annihilating everything in its path with Katrina-like fury, and Tulane getting crushed through the air and on special teams. Matt Forte is Tulane’s best player and earned the praise he got after last week’s record setting 303 yard, 5 TD outing against SE Louisiana. But this is Lousiana State, a defense so fearsome that the Tigers are 44-0 since 2001 when scoring at least 30 points. Just think about that for a second. Done? LSU 51, Tulane 7

UTP (2-2, 0-0 CUSA) at SMU (1-3, 0-0 CUSA) – Here’s my upset of the week, as SMU has a chance to do what it should have done last week against TCU, and beat a more renowned in-state foe. SMU has been solid against the rush (3^rd in CUSA, 121 ypg), so we’ll see how UTEP QB Trevor Vittatoe responds when he has to carry the entire offensive load by himself. Pony QB Justin Willis can run (60 ypg) and throw (240 ypg), and I think this week SMU seals the deal and gets a big CUSA W. SMU 26, UTEP 20.

BOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRING

Memphis (1-2) at Arkansas State (1-2) – I’ve got Memphis at #8 in the conference right now, and they could start to find their way back to my good graces with a convincing win here against an Indians squad with some talented individual performance and absolutely no proficiency up front on either side of the ball. Arkansas State played Texas to an 8-point setback in their opener, and got 131 yards rushing from sophomore scatback Reggie Arnold in an encouraging 45-27 loss at Tennessee. The Tigers aren’t getting much push up front (88^th in rush D, 86^th in sacks), but are getting some nice production from the passing game (272.33 ypg). The punting game has been absolutely brutal, at 25 yards per kick. Memphis doesn’t have a skill advantage to give away 10 yards a kick like that. It won’t hurt ‘em against AK State, but their defense will. Arkansas State 24, Memphis 17.

Justice League Power Rankings: Week Five

For those of you, my loyal fans, wondering: how does Brian produce so much quality prose analyzing fantasy sports each and every week? The answer is: I have no fucking clue. I just do. I’ve got about 10 regular weekly writing assignments now for various new outlets, including this esteemed www.crowdrush.com, Inside Tulsa Sports, Orange & Blue News, UGASports.com, Hokie Haven, MacReportOnline, Cyclone Report, Sears, Von Maur and participating Domino’s. But the Justice League preview is the home I can always go to again, and I return once more to present you with:

Week Four Preview & Power Rankings, Goldie Style

1. Jared (3-0, 454 pts.) Macke and I have been talking so much the last week or so working on this website, he’s ridiculously inside my head and I’m afraid he might be typing this right now somehow. This choice isn’t too complicated: he’s leading the league in scoring, he’s the only 3-0 squad and he’s got no significant injuries….er…except for that last part, as Shaun Alexander plays this week with a broken hand and Steven Jackson also sits out, for some injury I’ve been too busy to understand. Is there a more terrifying sight in Justice League than having the Bengals on the 50, and knowing that all it takes is one Palmer-Ocho CInco pass for Jared’s team to score like 25 points?

2. Me (2-1, 445 pts.) I was going to be humble and rank my team 3^rd or 4^th, but I’m 50 points ahead of 3^rd in scoring, and I just couldn’t do it. Besides, Tracey ripped out my manhood and left it to stink up Lincoln Avenue overnight, so I need all the morale boost I can give myself. In all seriousness, I scored 210 points this week, shattering Jared’s one week old league scoring record. Given that the only precedent for this kind of thing is Mark McGwire hitting 70 only to see Bonds hit 73 three years later, would you say Mr. Macke has been McGwired or been Bondsed?

3. Sean (2-1, 395 pts.) Sean’s Fantasy To-Do List: Step One. Set lineup. Check. Step Two. Do impression of creepy cigar-smoking lounge devil mascot in mirror. Still got it. Check. Step Three. Rip out Eddie’s heart by drafting Chief du jour Dwayne Bowe one spot before he can. Check. Step Four. Pick up underappreciated talent like Vincent Jackson and Matt Schaub at the scoffing of other league members. Check.

4. Stojak (2-1, 381 pts.) I know, I know, underestimate this team at your peril, but at least things are interesting now, right? This team’s been underperforming so much lately, with LDT sucking, Frank Gore’s mom dying, and Javon Walker catching passes from Jay Cutler, that Stojak actually uttered these words yesterday: “I think Jon Kitna might just save my fantasy season.” Be afraid. Be very afraid.

5. Spernoga (1-2, 355 pts.) John Sper-noga Clap-Clap ClapClapClap! The quadsack has at least three sacks out of the cellar, and no owner deserves it more. Well, except the owners of one of those ninth ward homes in New Orleans that got totally f-ed up by Katrina, but no fantasy owner in this league at least. Now, with an injury to Bulger and the terrible Bear offense threatening to sink Spernoga’s ship, we finally find out: will the Quadsack float?

6. Corey (2-1, 340 pts.) There’s a hole in my heart that can only be filled by Deuce. McAllister, that is. The injury to the Saints’ feature back (did you hear that they’re helping a broken city rebuild its self-image??) is going to hurt, but Corey usually finds a way to bounce back from these things, and Marion Barber is looking like the answer at the other RB spot. Thomas Jones, Corey followed you from Chicago to New Jersey. Deliver!

7. Mark (0-3, 338 pts.) Mark needs a WR, badly. A hard-luck 0-3, the foundation for greatness is there with Joey Addai and the Edgemeister both fuckin’ chicks and liking it, the 6^th and 8^th best RBs in the league.But only two WRs on the roster have scored more than 8 ppg, and that’s not good. Motion to propose trade, your honor?

8. Sam (1-2, 325 pts.) Hey, look at Samwise and Mark cuddled up next to one another in the rankings, just like in their hearts. Ain’t it cute? Hey, remember last year when every team had the game of their life against Sam’s fledging squad? Gross is back to his old tricks this year, surrendering 472 points in just three games. That’s 157 a week. Geh.

9. Eddie (1-2, 323 pts.) There are more Qs on Eddie’s roster right now than there are in the entire Bay Area. Zing! When does Deuceman start playing LarryBall? You know you want to! Adrian Peterson and Wes Welker are looking like really, really good pickups right now.

10. Matty (1-2, 258 pts.) So Matty proved that he’s still alive. Great. But the dude is averaging 86 ppg. I thought we were measuring bench by cock size, not total points?

Exciting News

This blog will soon be a part of the family of sports writing at www.crowdrush.com. Crowd Rush is a great website my friend Jared Macke and I have had in the works for almost a year, and it's finally ready for launch!

MAC High School Football Rankings: Week Five

Here’s my rundown of the MAC HS football teams right now. Remember, this is how good I think the teams are right now, not how good they’ll end up at the end of the year. If you don’t like ‘em, rank ‘em yourself! Its easy and free.

1. Bettendorf – The ‘Dogs put on a nice display against Assumption at Touvelle, and are obviously going to be the top rated squad in the conference until someone unseats them. But it still wasn’t the dominant performance a deadbolt lock #1 team would have given; Assumption outgained the ‘Dogs by 116 yards, had 8 more first downs, and 51 less penalty yards. But, Bettendorf got the win nonetheless, on the back of Jake Eikenberry’s 105 yards. Let’s see how the D handles Muscatine this week.

2. Assumption – The thrashing of North Scott was a nice confidence boost for an Assumption team that could have and should have beaten Bettendorf the previous week. Injuries are starting to mount for this small squad, with RB Noel Pacha and OL Ethan Tuftee out for awhile, if not the year. Dead ducks West, PV and North come calling before facing the MAC South at year’s end. Can Assumption get better on special teams in time for the playoffs?

3. Muscatine – OK, so the passing offense is filthy, with the Muskies having the best three WR, numbers wise, in the QC. But the run defense could use some work. Central rolled up 247 rushing yards, Clinton got 100, PV got 307 and Burlington got 289 on the ground. Good running teams like Assumption and Bettendorf should be able to control the ball and keep the Muskie offense from establishing a rhythm. But for now, #3 is fair.

4. Burlington – Here’s a squad a little under the radar that might be efficient enough on offense to beat some teams it shouldn’t. Jarred Herring’s 119 rushing yards against Bettendorf were the most anyone has put up all year, and Nick Kohlkof is looking like he might have what it takes to manage the offense effectively. Kohlkof was 10-14 for 105 against Central and 13-21 for 181 against the ‘Dogs.

5. North Scott – Why do I get the feeling that this team is still coasting off last year’s 9-0 campaign? It took a last minute TD to beat West, 9-3, and the Lancers gave an underwhelming performance against PV before getting hammered by the Knights. The loss at Brady exposed a lot of weaknesses – Assumption only had to throw 9 passes to beat North Scott by 25, and was up 28-0 at the start of the second quarter. If the Lancers can’t stop the run, they’re going to be 3-3 by October.

6. Clinton – Yeah, at 1-3 the River Kings have no shot at the playoffs, but the schedule was tough early with road dates at Assumption and Burlington. Clinton bounced back with a nice win over PV, getting 204 rushing yards from David Johnson and holding the Spartans to just 12 first downs. Any chance the Kings catch Bettendorf napping on October 5^th?

7. Pleasant Valley – The Spartans showed signs of getting back on track against West, 35-0, before dropping a disappointing loss to Clinton that cost them any realistic chance of a winning season. PV had their chances against Muscatine, as well, with both Nick Ehrecke and John Lindstrom getting 148 yards or more, and the offense averaging 7+ yards per play. But they couldn’t score twice in the 4^th quarter, and lost, 30-27. This is the lower division team with the best chance of springing an upset. They’ll get their chance late; both Assumption and Burlington visit the Valley in October.

8. North – Sure, the Wildcats might win the Davenport public title, but that’s not saying a lot. Even with wins over Central (32-14) and West (8-0, yuck), North showed how far they’ve got to go to catch the big boys, getting drilled 50-0 and 35-7 against Bettendorf and NS. The passing attack is 18 of 45 for 147 yards…in four games. Yikes.

9. Central – Everybody circle it on your calendars: Central battles West on October 26^th in a contest that should match two 0-8 teams with, literally, nothing left to lose. At least Central has scored; the Devils got 183 passing yards and 3 TDs against Assumption’s prevent defense, but couldn’t do anything against Burlington, letting a 13-0 halftime lead slip away in a 27-13 loss. Central will beat somebody, though…

10. West –My alma mater has fallen on tough times. The Falcons have dropped four by a combined 114-3, and the bleeding has no chance of stopping until the Central game on October 26^th. Kicker Tyler Pantzner is the only Falcon to score this year, booting a 36 yard FG. Paging the ghosts of TJ, Tommy, Terry and Tommy Rubley: come back, we miss you.

Beer Busters Power Rankings: Week Four

Deuce is done, the Saints are ain’ts, the Pack is back, and the Texans might just be fo’ real. How does this all relate to our fantasy existences? Find out, ‘sons’:

1. Skillz Playaz Clubb – The cream always rises to the top, and what is Stojak, if not creamy? He’s outscored 2^nd place by 12 ppg, so only a tard wouldn’t have him #1 at this point. I still maintain that the bench is weak, but Brady, Addai, Parker and Joey Galloway are all performing about as well as you could expect them to at this point. With Kevin Curtis starting to get open as Meiser’s wallet at the mechanic, maybe the WR depth isn’t a problem.

2. Bomb 1^st on U Fakeass Bitches – God, I should rank you 12^th for just the name. Apparently Richard handling drafting while letting an 11 year old child with Down’s Syndrome text message his team name. Regardless, the RBs have sucked, but can only get better from here. Tony Romo is “filling in” for the weak RBs (Romo = Homo), but for now, the mystique is gone from the team formerly known as Dynasty.

3. Vick’s Bitches – Ok, so Josh is 0-3, but let’s not get crazy. This is still a loaded team that has quality depth at RB and WR. Gore, Portis and Ahman Green are a nice triumvirate of RBs, and name another roster that has the WR depth of Fitz, Santonio, D-Jackson, Isaac Bruuuuuce, and Derrick Mason? That kind of depth will help during injuries and bye weeks, and Leichtner’s receiving corps goes 5-deep better than anyone in the league, although that’s more than I can say for his cock.

4. The Dynasty is One and Done – What a busy week at Sigma Alpha Mneh! Marc Bulger got hurt, Shaun Alexander broke his wrist, Chris Chambers plead guilty to reckless driving, TO dazzled on MNF, and Adrian Peterson was really stuffed after eating three Chiefs linebackers. Louis could make a case for being ranked higher, but with the injury questions at the top of the lineup, I’m hesitant to go higher. Quick poll: with Bulger, Shaun Alexander, and TO, does Louis have the league’s three most likely closet homosexuals?

5. K. Lansing Owns Rich – The RB corps is the league’s deepest, with 4 of the top 19 performers to date, and the Kitna pick up is looking strong. But there’s still one problem: Eric needs a WR to put him in the league’s upper echelon. Eric needs TJ Houshmanzadeh. Eric needs to trade me Edge James for TJ Houshmanzadeh and a 5^th round pick. Eric is going to let the droids pass.

6. Team Golden – Everything’s come up Milhouse for me, as my stiffest (heh heh – stiffest) competition for the 3 hole in division one keeps losing, and some of my bench prospects are coming alive (Greg Jennings, Greg Olsen). However, I’m going to need to get a lot better at RB to contend this season. See above for how I plan to do that.

7. LA Fried Prawns – This week, in “John and Vince”, Lowenthal tours New Orleans’ ravaged 9^th ward with Vince Young and Suzy Kolber while Vince gives hope to the homeless children by playing catch in front of their temporary trailer park homes. After the Titans impressive Monday win, Lowenthal tells Suzy what a “special kid” Vince has always been, and then tells her how much he’d like to kiss her. Oh wait, that’s Joe Namath.

8. Team Meiser – I still don’t know what to make of this team. Team Meiser looks more solid than all the squads below, but I’m afraid to hop on the wagon, because this team’s about one bad week away from becoming a jalopy. Reggie Bush is going to get a lot more touches now with Deuce’s injury, but who knows if the yardage will go up or down? Rudi got dinged Saturday and if the Bears go in to total meltdown mode, the injuries could really make this unit mediocre.

9. Saint Louis Stoners – Yeah, this team might actually have a chance to see the playoffs in the subpar division two, especially if Brian Westbrook keeps producing. Peyton is steady as she goes under center, and Wes Welker looks like a mortal lock for this year’s Ed McCaffrey/John Lynch/Steve Tasker for “Short Scrappy Blue-Collar White Guy the Media Goes Absolutely Nuts Over But Really Isn’t That Good”

10. Windy City Workhorses – I don’t think there’s a single guy on Evan’s roster who isn’t underperforming, meaning this is a stock you ought to buy while its this low. Drew Brees, Donald Driver and Bernie Berrian can only get better but Evan will still have expansionitis (lack of good running backs).

11. San Francisco 48ers – Robertson’s squad looks like a Medivac chopper coming out of Baghdad, with Brandon Jacobs, Chester Taylor and Andre Johnson all on crutches, and Kevin Jones, Jay Cutler home sick with a persistent case of the “Probables”. My complaint that kickers should not be named Nugent still stands.

12. Those Words Hurt – Shame on you, Elkin. 200 points in three games? 0-3? Worse than Robertson’s walking cemetery? Disgraceful. Now take those words, and picture how harsh they’d be if you were black.

Big Ten Power Rankings: Week Five

It was a big week in Big Ten country; the Wolverines are back, the Buckeyes never left, the Illini arrived and the Badgers survived. Purdue threw and the Spartans won too. Don’t forget, these ratings describe how good I think these teams are right now, not how well I think they’ll finish, or what record they’ll have at season’s end.

1. Ohio State – Boom. One week after reminding a whole lot of people that OSU was still OSU with a big win under the shadow of Mount Rainier, the Bucks dropped the hurt on Northwestern in the 500^th game ever at the Horseshoe. The defense certainly hasn’t faced a great offense yet, but the numbers are just insane: 2^nd in the NCAA in total D, 3^rd in scoring D, 5^th in pass D…don’t forget the run D, weak by comparison at 7^th in the NCAA. Offenses have combined for 20 points in 4 games against the stone wall front, and with QB Todd Boeckman very quietly leading the Big Ten in pass efficiency (10^th nationally), OSU is the best of the lot right now, and its really not close.

2. Purdue – The Boilers aren’t perfect, that’s for sure. But can any of the below teams keep up with them? Even if the D won’t be great, and they won’t be (8^th in the Big 10 in scoring D, 9^th in yardage D), which of the below teams will score as many points as Curtis Painter & Co? The Boilers have put up 45 twice and 52 twice and lead the conference in passing yards, total yards and points. The most impressive stat might be that, in the face of 171, the ‘Maker offensive line has surrendered just 2 passes. Sure, Painter isn’t taking super-deep drops, but that’s only 1 sack every 85 passes, and Painter is posting the numbers to show for it: 16-1 TD-INT ratio and 1290 yards in 4 games.

3. Michigan – Yep, I’m not kidding. The Wolverines’ D has healed, the moxie is back, and if Chad Henne returns healthy, this team can still contend for the conference title and play somewhere nice on New Year’s Day. Mike Hart is second on my Heisman ballot right now (Graham Harrell’s 1950 passing yards have him at the top), and Shawn Crable is posting a sensational year at LB, with 12 of his 27 tackles coming in the opponent’s backfield. With a defense capable of shutting down an opponent this thoroughly, every little bit of field possession helps; it would be nice to improve on the punt and kick returns, which have both disappointed.

4. Wisconsin – The Badgers haven’t impressed me one bit this year, but I can’t pull the trigger on picking any of the below teams to beat them on a neutral field. Iowa had a couple chances to connect on big pass plays that would have seriously threatened the Badgers’ 4 point lead late Saturday, but receivers dropped passes and fell down, allowing Wisconsin to hold on to a key win. The defense was good against Iowa, but what happened to Tyler Donovan? A week after the Iowa pass D was knocked around in Ames, the Badgers threw for just 138 yards on 23 attempts. It doesn’t seem like typical Wisconsin stuff to be losing the turnover battles, either.

5. Penn State – That slamming sound your hear in the distance is the window closing on Lion QB Anthony Morelli. Morelli and the rest of the offense had chance after chance to mount a memorable drive against Michigan Saturday, but couldn’t get it done. Michigan’s streak against PSU is 9, and Morelli missed his chance to launch himself in to the All Big Ten discussion. The rush D numbers took a hit after Mike Hart’s 150 yard+ performance, but the fighting Paternos are still 6^th nationally in rush yards surrendered, and 9^th in both scoring D and yardage D. PSU might not face another D all year that needs a win as bad as Michigan did Saturday, but until they produce against a high quality defensive unit, consider me a doubter.

6. Illinois – I was wrong about the tribe. I had Indiana pegged as this year’s Big Ten breakout squad, but the Illini showed me up with a convincing 27-14 win over the Hoosiers this weekend. Is that Red Grange? Nope, just Rashard Mendenhall, going from being basically a nobody on the national radar to cracking the top 10 in rushing yards just 4 games in to his junior campaign. When a team has a breakout year, every game is huge, but this Saturday’s collision with Penn State is really huge. The next three weeks; Wisconsin, at Iowa and Michigan will all be very tough. If the Illini lose to the Lions, they’re headed toward another improved, yet unremarkable year. Beat PSU, and things get very, very interesting.

7. Michigan State – MSU took care of business in South Bend, and while we know the Irish stink, the win was just a little more evidence that some of the headcase ghosts were exercised from East Lansing when Mark D’Antonio put up his name plate. The defense has been great at harassing QBs (1^st nationally in sacks, 5^th in TFL), and actually pretty darn good overall (14^th in scoring D, 14^th in yardage D). In a league short on top-flight offenses, this kind of D might keep MSU in some games. If Brian Hoyer keeps improving, these team has an excellent chance to be 6-1 heading to Columbus on October 20^th. If MSU wins 7 or more games, D’Antonio will be tough to unseat for coach of the year.

8. Iowa – The Hawks gave a typically gritty Iowa performance in Madison Saturday night, but came up just a little bit short against a Badger squad that outgained them by 76 yards. We’re not going to know how good Jake Christensen is until at least next year when, hopefully, he won’t be throwing passes with 4 of his top 5 WRs unable to play. The schedule is as light as can be in the Big Ten, with Michigan and Ohio State off the docket and all the toss-up games (Indiana, Illinois, Michigan State) at cozy Kinnick Stadium. Iowa can win all three those and still get to eight wins for the year, but either Albert Young or Damien Sims had better step up fast, and the line has to protect Christensen better (98 nationally in sacks allowed).

9. Indiana – Darn it, Indiana. You were my sleeper Big Ten pick since Day One, and I had your back all the way against Illinois. But you got the fumbles early against Illinois, and lost despite winning the yardage battle. Indiana has an offense built to dismantle Iowa’s defensive scheme, but they’ve got to control the ball, move the chains and get to Iowa QB Jake Christensen. The Hoosiers have done a great job of collapsing pockets so far, ranking 3^rd in the conference in sacks and TFL, but if Christensen has time Saturday, I’m thinking he’s due for a breakout performance.

10. Minnesota – The Gophs get out of the Big Ten basement, and all it took was a 14-point loss to Purdue! Minnesota’s D has been awful, ranking in the bottom 13 D-I teams in total yards given up, points given up, turnover margin, pass D, sacks and (for good measure) punting average. What could Amir Pinnix (109.75 ypg) and Adam Weber (17^th nationally in total offense) do if they weren’t constantly starting drives backed up against their own goal line? We won’t find out. Not in this life time at least.

11. Northwestern - Honestly, I don’t know who would win if Minny played Northwestern, but the ‘Cats sure looked like a team missing a heart, liver, kidney, and several other vital organs in Columbus Saturday. I’m not trying to be a jerk here, but with two games that are just going to leave you bloody, why not take three weeks to prepare for Minnesota, who comes to Evanston on October 13^th? The problems start up front – the ‘Cats have three sacks and have given up 12.

SEC Power Rankings: Week Five

Welcome to my first installment of SEC Power Rankings. Just a reminder: this is a rating of how I think these teams would fare tomorrow on a neutral field. They have nothing to do with how I think the teams will finish, or how their schedule will affect their record. How do I see the SEC? Let’s get to it!

1. LSU – Its been said about SEC teams before, and it’ll be said again: These Tigers are the best team in the country, and its going to be awfully hard for them to survive this schedule unscathed. For now, the numbers are staggering: the Tigers lead the nation in rush D, pass efficiency D, total yardage D and scoring D. The surprising stat, in my eyes, is that LSU is 9^th in the nation in rushing offense, with Jacob Hester, Keiland Williams, Ryan Perrilloux and Trindon Holliday all averaging over 32 yards a game and 5.5 yards per carry. Did I mention the defense leads the SEC in sacks, TFL and turnover margin?

2. Florida – In a year when the LSU defense wasn’t making Bayou Burgers out of everyone they faced, the Gators would be the talk of the conference. Tim Tebow is .75 yards per game behind Washington’s Jake Locker for the spot as top rusher among BCS QBs, and is 3^rd in the nation in passing efficiency. Tebow is a better QB now than Chris Leak was at this point last year; will the rest of the squad be up to the task? Special teams play has been strength. The Gators’ return specialist, Brandon James, is 3^rd in the nation in punt return average and 9^th in kick return average.

3. Georgia – No football game in this conference is a pushover, but Mark Richt has to be licking his chops at the way this schedule is unfolding. Ole Miss and Vanderbilt should be easy wins, so a road date in Knoxville out to be the only thing separated the ‘Dawgs from being 5-1 heading to the Party in J-Ville. After that, Georgia gets Troy, Auburn and Kentucky at home, where they’ll be favored in every game. None of the stats are overly impressive, but the front four has been solid against a schedule much tougher than most clubs have faced four games in. Georgia is 3^rd in the conference in sacks, TFL and scoring defense. Knowshon Moreno has been a very pleasant surprise coming out of the backfield; his 85 yards per game are 4^th among NCAA freshman RBs.

4. Kentucky – The Wildcats might end this season as the nation’s surprise team, or as an also-ran in a rinky dink bowl game. That’s how brutal this league is, but for now, the offense has been stunning. Andre Woodson is getting all the praise and Heisman whispers, but credit Rafael Little for returning to his sophomore year form (62 carries, 435 yards), and the offensive line for making room for Little and all the backs (227 yards a game, 5.9 yards per carry). How good will the defense be? McFadden went nuts on the ‘Cats, and while Kentucky won’t face that kind of back the rest of the year, 108^th in the nation against the run isn’t going to cut it.

5. Alabama – While the media machine was salivating over Saban’s team following the Arkansas win, let’s get ahold of ourselves. Now, Bama’s resume includes a home loss to Georgia, a fairly lackluster win at Vandy, and a meaningless beatdown over Western Carolina. I’m not knocking Bama, but they haven’t impressed me that much. The future is awfully bright with Terry Grant leading the nation’s freshmen in rushing, but where is the pass rush? Considering what Saban built at LSU, you don’t expect a team he’s coaching to be 103^rd in the nation in sacks, but there sit the Tide. The October 20^th battle with the Vols will show me a lot about both squads.

6. Tennessee – The Vols have gagged twice in two would-be “statement” games, but with two weeks to prepare for a visit from the Georgia Bulldogs, they’ve got a chance to get right back in the hunt for a major bowl bid and, if the chips fall right, an SEC East title. Erik Ainge is putting up yards in big chunks and, for the first time in his career, is getting protection from his offensive line, having been put on his back just once in four games. The D got torched in the Swamp, but they’ve been pretty weak on the season so far. 107^th in scoring D and 91^st in total D? Its not like the Vol D has a specialty right now either; they’re 89^th vs. the rush and 82^nd vs. the pass. DL Robert Ayers is emerging as a sack threat, and somebody needs to put this D on his back. Why not Ayers?

7. South Carolina – This might seem a bit low for a Gamecock squad off to a great start, including a win over the ‘Dawgs, but with Spurrier revving up the Merry-go-Quarterback machine, and neither side of the ball looking competitive at LSU, how good can you feel about this team going forward? Cory Boyd and Mike Davis have been a great double whammy in the backfield, but my gut says they’ll have to shoulder a lot more of the load in coming weeks than they’re used to. A little bit of pressure from the front four would help the secondary.

8. Arkansas – Last year’s SEC West champs are 1-2, but the schedule lets up a bit now, which will give the Hogs yet another chance to hone their passing game. Felix Jones is once again chipping in with great support of Darren McFadden, and he’s on the verge of becoming a star in his own right, at 2^nd in the nation on kick returns and an astounding 17^th in rushing. The Hogs don’t have an SEC pass rush right now, with only 4 sacks in three games, and at 104^th in the NCAA in scoring D. After three, Casey Dick sits at 49% completions and 5.78 yards per pass attempt.

9. Mississippi State – If Sylvester Croom’s rebuilding project in Starkville is going to take a big step forward, this is the year it needs to happen. Senior DL Titus Brown has 6 TFL for 30 yards in just four games, and Anthony Dixon has given a blue-collar performance from the backfield, getting 4 scores on the year, and putting up 103 tough yards against the Auburn Tigers. Who’s going to get snaps going forward? Josh Riddell has the highest efficiency rating in limited action, but neither he nor Michael Henig or Wesley Carroll have proven much. Croom needs to sort this out before the season’s halfway point if MSU is going to go bowling.

10. Auburn – Tiger lineman Josh Thompson proposed to his girlfriend after the New Mexico State win, but I’ve got a better proposal: anybody want to jumpstart the passing game? The Tigers haven’t faced a really good D yet, but have already given up 10 sacks and thrown 6 picks. What gives? The offensive line is off to another horrific start after letting Brandon Cox get sacked 34 times in 2006. With road dates at Florida, LSU and Arkansas before Halloween, they better figure out how to block somebody. Fast.

11. Vanderbilt – I don’t know much about this team yet, other than that they’re better than Ole Miss. Its shaping up like another bowl-less year in Nashville, but Earl Bennett has been a BEAST against sub par defenses, going off for 223 against Richmond and 100 against Ole Miss. Can he do it this year against a stout D? The ‘Dores should make short work of EMU this weekend, but then things get nasty. Auburn will be playing for its season when Vandy comes to town, and then Vanderbilt gets 4 of the nation’s top 16 teams in five weeks. How will they get wins? Keep getting pressure on opposing QBs; they’re getting 3 sacks a game to date.

12. Ole Miss – The individual pieces seem to be there; the Rebs have a top 5 performer in the SEC in rush yards, total offense and receiving yards, tackles, sacks and TFL. Ole Miss is losing in the trenches, with the SEC’s 12^th best rushing attack and 12^th best pass protecting line. When your five hogmollies can’t run or pass block, you’re going to have plenty of trouble in this conference.

Big 12 Power Rankings: Week Five

A couple of one-point barn burners, some routs by the top dogs, and a bit of table setting for next week’s rivalries games. Another week in Big 12 country. How do the teams stack up? Check it:

(Remember, this is how good I think teams are right now, not how good they’ll be at season’s end or how favorable their schedule is.)

1. Oklahoma – Still a big fat duh after four weeks of play. The Sooners have absolutely obliterated everything in their path, and currently sit in the top seven nationally in scoring, rush yards, rush D, total D, kick returns, sacks, TFL and sacks allowed. Even against weak competition, those are staggering numbers. The last few OU teams that have looked close to this good have had at least one gag throughout the year, so I’m not penciling them in to the BCS Title Game just yet. However, who is going to stop them? With Missouri, TAMU and Oklahoma State coming to Norman, Texas looks like the only squad with a remote chance of beating the Boomers. Could Allen Patrick be the Big 12’s best back? Could Sam Bradford go to New York as a Heisman finalist? Yikes, this team is scary.

2. Texas – The slaughter-style win over Rice didn’t say a lot, but the ‘Horns did everything they needed to, bouncing back from a squeaker at UCF the previous week. Texas hasn’t looked particularly dominant in any phase of the game, and I’m not convinced they’ll survive the post-OU schedule undefeated. But for now, no one else looks better, and the emergence of Quan Cosby as a major receiving threat has to be encouraging. Against the caliber of competition UT has faced, there’s no excuse for them to be just 8^th in the Big 12 against the pass.

3. Missouri – The Tiger offense kept humming with a 38-14 win over Illinois State, and two of Mizzou’s early opponents played great Saturday, making me believe a bit more that this Tiger squad might be for real. Chase Daniel has been one of the nation’s top QBs (116-176 for 1311 yards and 13 scores), and the balanced offense (200 rush ypg, 344 pass ypg) is just killing people. The Tigers now have two weeks to prepare for Nebraska’s visit on October 6^th, which might be the program’s biggest game in a decade. For real: if Mizzou wins to go to 5-0, they’ll be favored every game the rest of the season except against the Sooners, and could coast to the Big 12 North title. Can the 102^nd ranked pass defense get better? We’ll know in two weeks.

4. Kansas – I’m just as shocked as you are. Who of the below teams would take over the Jayhawks on a neutral field right now? The biggest question mark hanging over KU right now is how differently they’ve played at home and on the road in the Mangino era. They’ve had a particularly hard time with Kansas State; the Jayhawks haven’t won in the Little Apple since 1989. Todd Reesing continues to amaze at QB, at 13^th nationally in efficiency and 14^th in total offense. The defense hasn’t challenged a real offense yet, and won’t face a good unit until November 3^rd when the Huskers come to town. The lines have been the weakest part of each side of the ball: KU is 10^th in the Big-12 in sacks allowed and 7^th in sacks recorded.

5. Oklahoma State – I’m not sure the Pokes would win again tomorrow, but OSU showed a lot of grit in a big win over Texas Tech, and got a rival’s defensive coordinator fired, to boot. OSU is only 2-2, but Kendall Hunter has been a major bright spot with 98 yards rushing per contest. The defense was predictably shredded against Graham Harrell and Tech, but to only have 6 sacks so far is unacceptable.

6. Texas Tech – For the stat geek, the Red Raider offense is the gift that keeps on giving. How do you throw for 646 yards and lose? How do you have the top ranked pass offense and only the 105^th ranked rush offense? One thing that does impress me is the Tech line: they’ve only given up 4 sacks in the face of 227 pass attempts. I know it’s a short drop scheme, but that’s still awfully impressive. Can we talk for a second about this ridiculous stat: There are five receivers in the nation averaging 130 yards a game; with Michael Crabtree and Danny Amendola, Tech has two of them. Odds are this team will be 6-1 heading to Columbia on October 20^th; that’ll be the pass D’s chance to show they’re getting better.

7. Nebraska – Husker fans ripped me for ranking this team 5^th last week, and I’m not above a good “I told you so.” First things first: Ball State is the class of the MAC, and much better than the national media has given them credit for. But I’ll say what I said last week one more time: Where are the Blackshirts? 75^th in total D? 74^th in scoring D? 99^th in rush D? 111^th in sacks? Those numbers are mind boggling. NU has a great opportunity this week against Iowa State; a chance to get healthy against a team ripe for a letdown after a crushing one point loss. Crazy as it sounds, the next two weeks might be two of the biggest in the Callahan era; namely, in determining how long it lasts.

8. Texas A & M – Aggie Nation ripped for ranking this team 7^th last week, and I’m not above a good “I told you so.” The Aggies bowl hopes took a big blow in the Orange Bowl last Thursday, as TAMU got brutalized, trailing 31-0 at the end of three quarters. The rushing game rolled up big numbers against some weaker squads, but disappeared against the ‘Canes, with leading rusher Stephen McGee collecting just 39 yards on 16 carries. The pass D has to get better if TAMU wants to compete with Tech and OSU; they’re 11^th in the Big 12 in sacks, 11^th in pass efficiency D and 9^th in passing yardage D.

9. Kansas State – I’ll be honest; I still don’t feel like I know a lot about this Wildcat team yet. Forgive me; the Auburn game doesn’t look as impressive in the rearview mirror as it did at the time, and the SJ State and Missouri State beatings didn’t tell me much, other than these ‘Cats aren’t going to totally stink up the litter box. WR Jordy Nelson is one of my favorite Big 12 players (30 catches, 381 yards) and junior Deon Murphy has been dynamic on punt returns. Any strategy to get the ball in Murphy’s hands more would be great.

10. Colorado – The Buffs might find themselves in more toss-up games for the rest of the year than any other Big 12 squad. For the most part, CU plays the tough teams on its schedule at home, and the weak ones on the road, leaving the a wide window for how they might finish the season. For now, I think they have to be pleased with a 42-0 clobbering of Miami. LB Jordan Dizon is making a big push to be considered one of the conference’s elite defensive players; a year after recording 121 tackles, he’s got 55 in just 4 games, including 4 TFL and 2 sacks.

11. Baylor – The Bears got a big win that people will scoff at Saturday, but don’t listen. Buffalo was geared up and ready to beat their first BCS opponent ever, and Baylor never let the game get close. 6 wins is still a possibility, but the running game better generate more than 3.5 yards a pop if the Bears are going to become bowl eligible. The Baylor D is doing a nice job of harassing opposing QBs, logging 3 sacks a game; that kind of pressure might give them a chance to get a big win over passing attacks at CU, KU or Texas Tech.

Iowa State – No team is better at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory than the Cyclones, and they did it again this week, giving Toledo their first win thanks to what Gene Chizik called an “absolute special teams meltdown.” Bret Meyer is starting to find his stroke for the Cyclones, but mistakes are killing this team right now. Against UNI, it was four turnovers. At Toledo, two TDs surrendered on special forces. The ‘Clones now enter a brutal five game stretch that includes trips to Nebraska, Texas Tech and Missouri mixed in with home dates against Texas and Oklahoma. This team could get a lot better by November, and you