For those of you, my loyal fans, wondering: how does Brian produce so much quality prose analyzing fantasy sports each and every week? The answer is: I have no fucking clue. I just do. I’ve got about 10 regular weekly writing assignments now for various new outlets, including this esteemed www.crowdrush.com, Inside Tulsa Sports, Orange & Blue News, UGASports.com, Hokie Haven, MacReportOnline, Cyclone Report, Sears, Von Maur and participating Domino’s. But the Justice League preview is the home I can always go to again, and I return once more to present you with:
Week Four Preview & Power Rankings, Goldie Style
1. Jared (3-0, 454 pts.) Macke and I have been talking so much the last week or so working on this website, he’s ridiculously inside my head and I’m afraid he might be typing this right now somehow. This choice isn’t too complicated: he’s leading the league in scoring, he’s the only 3-0 squad and he’s got no significant injuries….er…except for that last part, as Shaun Alexander plays this week with a broken hand and Steven Jackson also sits out, for some injury I’ve been too busy to understand. Is there a more terrifying sight in Justice League than having the Bengals on the 50, and knowing that all it takes is one Palmer-Ocho CInco pass for Jared’s team to score like 25 points?
2. Me (2-1, 445 pts.) I was going to be humble and rank my team 3rd or 4th, but I’m 50 points ahead of 3rd in scoring, and I just couldn’t do it. Besides, Tracey ripped out my manhood and left it to stink up Lincoln Avenue overnight, so I need all the morale boost I can give myself. In all seriousness, I scored 210 points this week, shattering Jared’s one week old league scoring record. Given that the only precedent for this kind of thing is Mark McGwire hitting 70 only to see Bonds hit 73 three years later, would you say Mr. Macke has been McGwired or been Bondsed?
3. Sean (2-1, 395 pts.) Sean’s Fantasy To-Do List: Step One. Set lineup. Check. Step Two. Do impression of creepy cigar-smoking lounge devil mascot in mirror. Still got it. Check. Step Three. Rip out Eddie’s heart by drafting Chief du jour Dwayne Bowe one spot before he can. Check. Step Four. Pick up underappreciated talent like Vincent Jackson and Matt Schaub at the scoffing of other league members. Check.
4. Stojak (2-1, 381 pts.) I know, I know, underestimate this team at your peril, but at least things are interesting now, right? This team’s been underperforming so much lately, with LDT sucking, Frank Gore’s mom dying, and Javon Walker catching passes from Jay Cutler, that Stojak actually uttered these words yesterday: “I think Jon Kitna might just save my fantasy season.” Be afraid. Be very afraid.
5. Spernoga (1-2, 355 pts.) John Sper-noga Clap-Clap ClapClapClap! The quadsack has at least three sacks out of the cellar, and no owner deserves it more. Well, except the owners of one of those ninth ward homes in New Orleans that got totally f-ed up by Katrina, but no fantasy owner in this league at least. Now, with an injury to Bulger and the terrible Bear offense threatening to sink Spernoga’s ship, we finally find out: will the Quadsack float?
6. Corey (2-1, 340 pts.) There’s a hole in my heart that can only be filled by Deuce. McAllister, that is. The injury to the Saints’ feature back (did you hear that they’re helping a broken city rebuild its self-image??) is going to hurt, but Corey usually finds a way to bounce back from these things, and Marion Barber is looking like the answer at the other RB spot. Thomas Jones, Corey followed you from Chicago to New Jersey. Deliver!
7. Mark (0-3, 338 pts.) Mark needs a WR, badly. A hard-luck 0-3, the foundation for greatness is there with Joey Addai and the Edgemeister both fuckin’ chicks and liking it, the 6th and 8th best RBs in the league.But only two WRs on the roster have scored more than 8 ppg, and that’s not good. Motion to propose trade, your honor?
8. Sam (1-2, 325 pts.) Hey, look at Samwise and Mark cuddled up next to one another in the rankings, just like in their hearts. Ain’t it cute? Hey, remember last year when every team had the game of their life against Sam’s fledging squad? Gross is back to his old tricks this year, surrendering 472 points in just three games. That’s 157 a week. Geh.
9. Eddie (1-2, 323 pts.) There are more Qs on Eddie’s roster right now than there are in the entire Bay Area. Zing! When does Deuceman start playing LarryBall? You know you want to! Adrian Peterson and Wes Welker are looking like really, really good pickups right now.
10. Matty (1-2, 258 pts.) So Matty proved that he’s still alive. Great. But the dude is averaging 86 ppg. I thought we were measuring bench by cock size, not total points?
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