Hello my new friends and associates in fantasy football. As Brian Stojak may have told you, I am a bit of an anal fuck. I like to rank, sort, and number things. This serves me well in my part time career as a freelance sportswriter, where I am often paid to make lists. I am particularly fond of writing and ranking fantasy football teams and their owners. I thought I’d say hello to the league with a run down of the league, as I see it. I have no biases, since I don’t know most of you, and I won’t let my hatred for Stojak and Evan influence me.
My friend Jared Macke has a new website he’s working on that will provide people with the tools to make their fantasy leagues much, much better. The site is going to be really awesome, and by the end of the day, there will be a Power Rankings tool up which I’ll link everyone to and show you how you can make your own.
But for now, here they are, brought to you by CrowdRush.com and Miller Genuine Draft…my Beer Busters power rankings.
1. The Dynasty (Richard Wagner) – How the fuck did you guys let a guy named DICK hoard Steven Jackson, LT and Larry Johnson in the same fucking backfield?? Are you serious? This team is fucking filthy, not to mention Chad Johnson and Torry Holt catching passes from Tony Homo. (Get it, Homo? Because he’s gay.) You know when you meet a pack of chicks and there’s one in the group that’s really hot, just so hot that you instantly know you’ll never get with her and you immediately hate her for it? That’s what this team is to me.
2. Vick’s Bitches (Josh Leichtner) - Don’t let week one’s fairly lackluster performance against Stojak fool you: this team is good enough to be on the medal stand come December. There are some injury question marks (McNabb, Portis), but if the Bitches run in top gear, they could contend with the Dynasty for a Beer Division title. Leichtner filled in this team with a lot of savvy draft picks, like Darrell Jackson, Santonio Holmes and Kellen Winslow, and he deserves your respect and applause.
3. Brian Rox (Brian Stojak) – Stojak’s dominance of our other league makes it feel so odd and tingly to not be ranking him #1. But I like it. He’s still got a pretty good team here, but with Ronnie Brown falling out of favor in Miami, Stoge’s very weak bench could be exposed. I’m not high on any of the Saints this year, and I hate Devery Henderson, and his bench is full of guys that are about two weeks away from losing position battles. Still, a good team, but will the brutal Beer Division schedule be too tough?
4. The Dynasty is One and Done (Louis Baer) – Watch out for this team, my new friends. Louis announced his authority (with a ‘mneh’?) in week one, leading the league in scoring and throttling the work horses. Bulger is a perennially underrated Fantasy QB, and Adrian Peterson is going to be an absolute beast/manchild/wunderkind in Minnesota. If Shaun Alexander’s Seahawks return to form this year, and I think they will, this is a RB crew that will score a crapload of TDs. TO and Lee Evans are going to score a lot, as well. Don’t sleep on this team, folks.
5. K. Lansing Owns Rich (Eric Altschul) – Nothing spectacular from the Cursive K, but a really solid team up and down the lineup that should make the playoffs in the weak-ass Tabasco Division. Edge, McGahee and Marshawn Lynch are a really solid crew of RBs, and Cadillac is a backup with big time upside. Carson’s going bombs away this year in Cincy, and Gates is, as always, a stud at TE. The WR are actually pretty brutal, with Vincent Jackson, I think, the #1 WR, but its kind of hard to make out from here: they both stink pretty bad. I’m fascinated to find out who wins the battle between Jon Kitna and Trent Green to be the grizzled veteran that wears the headset and signals plays in to Carson Palmer, looking surprisingly enthusiastic even though you know they’re dying inside.
6. Mound City Mashers (Mike Armijo) – Now that Peyton is over the “Big Game” hump, this team has a chance to go deep. Manning, Brian Westbrook and Maurice-Jones Drew provide a tight little nucleus, and the Manning-Reggie Wayne double whammy makes upsets over better teams very possible when those two hook up. Speaking of which, just picture Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne actually hooking up for a minute. How awkward would that be? Just Peyton awkwardly trying to “read the defense” and Reggie begging Peyton to wear the fake moustache from the Sprint commercial.
7. Team Elkin (Josh Elkin) –A lot of the key components are over the hill, but if this team doesn’t get distracted by all the new-fangled technology and this month’s Reader’s Digest, Team Elkin could make a run. Deuce McAllister will still score some TDs in between the hip replacement surgeries, and Marvin Harrison is as money as the come. To Elkin’s credit, he went young in the draft with Calvin Johnson, Robert Meachem and Ladell Betts. One of those three guys will be awesome by year’s end, and it might be the little push the Elks need.
8. Team Golden (Me) – That’s right, I said it. You didn’t think an expansion team could do anything but brutally suck, did you? Staring down at the half-eaten Week One carcass of Jared Meiser, I disagree. Sure, I scored 11th most points in the league, but I’m a good RB away from being really competitive. I have the best young QB, best young TE, best K, and one of the best D’s in fantasy. If any of my young WRs (Dwayne Jarrett, Greg Jennings, Bobby Wade) blow up, I’m a trade away from being a playoff team. Beware.
9. Windy City Workhorses (Evan Thoreau Heigert) – Let’s just stand back and behold the genius of Evan’s “C” logo for a minute, shall we? Picture New England hitting the field with an “E” on their helmets, and you have the beauty of this team, and Evan himself. Evan had a nice little draft, and if he hadn’t snatched Donald Driver one spot earlier than I expected, my team would be really good. Brees and Rivers will be solid all year at QB, and with LaVernues Coles, he probably leads the league in Sexually Abused Players, but who knows for sure?
10. Team Meiser (Jared Meiser) – I’m still trying to figure out how this team only scored 51 points last week. Hasselbeck has one great fantasy season left in him, and Rudi Johnson might be the most perennially underrated fantasy player in the history of fantasy. The WR crew is actually playoff worthy, especially if Plaxico isn’t fucked by the Eli injury. If there’s any team in the league that is one injury away from going from decent to terrible, its this one.
11. LA Fried Prawns (John Lowenthal) – Quick quiz: who leads the league in overrated former Texas Longhorns? Ding ding. I grilled John on the Vince Young keeper pick yesterday, and I was told: “he’s been underestimated his whole life, no one ever believes in him, but he always comes through.” And now I can’t get the idea out of my head to make a documentary starring Lowenthal as Vince Young’s older brother who was probably more talented than Vince, but blew out a knee in his first college game, prematurely ruining a dazzling career, leaving him to live his dreams through Vince’s eyes. Let’s call it “Friday Night Prawns.”
12. Team Robertson (Chris Robertson) – I’m a sucker for Chris’ high-brow atheism, but this team has already gone from bad to worse. The Brandon Jacobs injury is killer. Injury or no, Chester Taylor is getting pwned on the Vikes depth chart by AP, and you all know my feelings on Jay Cutler. The Seahawks D is in a bad division for defenses, Alge Crumpler is catching passes from Freddie Prinze Jr., and what kind of self-respected kicker is named Nugent? Kickers have names like Gostkowski, Janikowski, Yepremian, Gramatica. Not fucking Nugent.
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