Well friends, that time is finally here. I’ve just closed a show with my theatre company, I’m back to having no real job for the time being and, conveniently, football is underway. You know what that means! The time has arrived for the….
THIRD ANNUAL JUSTICE LEAGUE PREVIEW
Read on for what is, I promise, the most in-depth analysis of any fantasy league in the world. And since you’re paying jack shit for all this frothy justice, its safe to say you’re getting your money’s worth.
JUSTICE LEAGUE HISTORY
Season One.
It all started with the first JL draft in fall of 2005, and the only draft in the history of our league where all players began in the draft pool. Want a good laugh? Take a look at this first round:
1. Stojak – LaDanian Tomlinson (We all still think you’re an asshole for getting first pick)
2. Jared – Shaun Alexander (OK, down year last year, but still a solid pick)
3. Mark – Priest Holmes (trying to contain laughter)
4. Sean – Edgerrin James (not a bad pick; Sean had no way to know that Edge would get shipped to the Arizona Titanics and be the most frequently traded player in JL history. Its true; you can look it up.)
5. Corey – Peyton Manning (what a great pick at #5. Seems like a no-brainer in hindsight, but how did 2-3 people pass on him?)
6. Matty – Clinton Portis (oh Matty and his blind Redskins bias – the only bigger Homer than Mr. Pickar is voiced by Dan Castellaneta)
7. Sam – Willis McGahee (eh. Still very young. Jury’s out.)
Here’s where it gets funny:
8. John – Corey Dillon (when Spernoga has nightmares about his JL mediocrity, this pick should be the man in the mask at the end of the dark hallway)
9. Me – Domanick Davis (yeah, yeah, those who live in glass houses…should throw their stones at their former first round draft pick who is currently bagging groceries)
10. Eddie – Jamal Lewis (DD: Thanks for shopping, Mr. Lewis, the crack pipes are in aisle 12).
11. Eddie – Ahman Green
12. Me – Kevin Jones
So, those were some bad early picks. Notice that Stojak and Corey probably did the best in that draft’s first round, and have been the best two teams in league history.
And since you asked, here’s how good Corey’s first draft was:
1. Peyton
2. Tiki Barber
3. Marvin Harrison
4. Thomas Jones
5. Cedric Benson (very odd)
6. Isaac Bruce
7. Travis Henry
8. Plaxico Burress
9. Todd Heap
Fucking awesome first draft for the Dark Knight, and it won him a Super Bowl.
In my first annual JL preview, I forecasted Stojak (D2) and Gross (D1) as division champs, with me, Jared and Corey close on their heels. I called out Sean and John (maybe they should combine for an alternative clothing line) for having terrible teams, saying “The loser between these two teams should give us all the Justice we crave, and respectfully bow from the league.” When they both crushed me, I stopped talking.
Despite the awesome long-term drafts of Corey and Stojak, Jared got out of the gate en fuego in Division 1, blazing to a 6-0 start, with no opponents getting within 28 points of him in 6 straight games. Carson Palmer still had an ACL, Shaun Alexander was still in the closet (kind of), and Macke was leading the league in scoring. Things were good. It wasn’t until Dr. Samuel Gross rode a 30 point outing by the Falcons D to an upset win that Macke finally dropped a contest. Stojak’s Donovan McNabb-led squad cruised through Division 2, starting 7-2 and coasting to a 10-3 finish and a 3 game D2 title.
Here are the final regular season standings from 2005:
D1
(2) Jared 10-3 1608
(4) Eddie 7-6 1309
(6) Sean 6-7 1320
(5) Mark 5-8 1401
Sam 5-8 1221
D2
(1)Stojak 10-3 1652
(3)Corey 7-6 1452
Spernoga 6-7 1299
Matty 5-8 1202
Golden 4-9 1140
With each division winner dominating by a three game margin, a Stojak-Macke final seemed inevitable. The wild card playoff round followed serve, with Corey and Eddie dishing out beat downs to Sean and Mark by about 50 points each. In the semifinals, however, Mr. Jones sprung got help from his ace draft class to spring a Giant upset; Tiki Barber went for 42, the Bears D for 28, Heap for 27, and Peyton, Jones and Harrison combined for 55, as Corey put up 161 to stop Jared, 161-132. Over in the other semi, Stojak needed the Ravens D to return a fumble for a 60-yard TD in a 48-3 victory to narrowly beat Eddie, 121-120. With the league leading 129 points he scored next week, Deuce would have won the title had it not been for that Brett Favre fuck up. He still can’t sleep most nights. Trust me. I’m right next to him in the sack. Because we’re lovers.
Somehow, Stojak had advanced to the finals despite getting just 7 points from LT. He was going to need more to beat a red-hot Longhorn Deez Nuts squad in the finals. Using a make shift lineup of QB Jake Plummer, RB Ricky Williams (in his last JL start ever…I hope) and others, Stojak needed a huge day from his all-world RB, but it didn’t happen. Tomlinson gave him just 5 points, and continued his tradition of gagging in clutch JL situations. Corey got 12+ points from five sources, including K Jeff Wilkins (this guy is the Derek Jeter of fantasy football…he just wins, baby), to beat Stojak 119-113 for the first Justice League crown. As Brian #2 and I sipped margaritas at beachfront bar in Clearwater, Florida, he vowed to me that he would return. And then we fucked. Because we’re gay lovers.
Season Two.
As we headed in to the 2006 campaign, and the first keeper draft in JL history, questions abounded: how would the format affect the balance of power? How much pre-draft player movement would we see? How many tiny Asians would Spernoga annihilate with his giant horse cock during the draft?
While the consequences of the third question were almost too mighty and horrible to fathom, the answers to the previous two would thankfully be calculable without using scientific notation. The keeper draft proved a great equalizer, allowing teams that had struggled (Mark) or sucked giant ass (Me) the previous year to make a bevy of moves, creating hope among all 10 teams that this year might be the year their fans tasted Justice.
I traded Stojak for Donovan McNabb. Edgerrin James changed hands twice, going from Sean to me to Mark, in exchange for more players I dealt to Matty, along with my first pick. Other teams, like Corey, stood pat, and for good reason. Matty kicked off the keeper draft with two stellar picks: Reggie Bush, and last year’s Justice Bowl winning QB, Jake Delhomme. Stojak made the pick of the Draft, nabbing Frank Gore at #6, and then we got the annual first round draft pick hilarity:
5. Sean – Wali Lundy, HOU
7. Jared – Reuben Droughns, CLE
9. Me – DeShaun Foster, CAR
It was Pickar who I gave kudos to this year for an outstanding draft, going deep down on the board for such sleepers as Marques Colston, Greg Jennings and Kellen Winslow. As I’ve always said, no one is better at identifying a good receiver than Matthew Pickar. Both of your two commissioners turned out clunkers in the 2006 draft, with me using my top four picks on Foster, Ben Watson, Kevan Barlow and Drew Bledsoe, and Mr. Macke gobbling up Droughns, Nate Burleson, Kurt Warner and Michael Clayton. (Warner’s career now seems destined to be the greatest sports palindrome of all time – bagging groceries just a couple years before winning a super bowl, going 8-8 the next year, making another super bowl the year after, then taking 4 years to decline in to complete insignificance. I hope he can teach Domanick Davis how to ring up my preferred card quickly.)
In my second annual preview, I forecasted a Stojak vs. Macke superbowl, thinking I’d learned my lessons from the year before, and looked for playoff appearances from myself, Corey, Matty and Eddie. Despite my piece of shit drafting skills, I got out of the gate strong, starting 6-0. Stojak was 5-1 and Corey 5-1, with Division 2’s dominance looming large over D1, where Sean’s apparently average Hellions led with a flukey 4-2 mark. But Sean persevered, making awesome waiver wire pickups (Jerricho Cotchery, Tony Romo) and leading that division coast to coast. Five of the playoff spots were virtually secure almost the entire year; Sean was going to win D1, Stojak had overtaken Corey and I for the lead in D2, and Matty would probably get the second wild card. The drunken orgy that broke out to decide the 6 seed was the hottest race in JL history, and came down to the final minutes of the final Monday night came of the year. Matty, Sam, Eddie and Mark all started week 13 within about 15 points of one another for the final spot, with Jared lurking 40 points behind. Eddie and Mark peed down their legs, with outings of 81 and 62, and Jared’s 134 weren’t quite enough, so Matty and Sam were in the playoffs. Here’s how the final standings broke down in year 2:
Division One
(2) Sean 9-4 1318
(4) Sam 5-8 1340
Eddie 5-8 1318
Mark 5-8 1272
Jared 4-9 1311
Division Two
(1)Stojak 11-2 1692
(3)Golden 8-5 1464
(5)Corey 8-5 1437
(6)Matty 7-6 1319
Spernoga 3-10 1158
For the second straight year, we had both playoff teams from the same division, and no division races decided by less than 3 games. Weird.
In one wild card match, Sam Gross deposed the returning champ thanks to a 50 point performance from QB Drew Brees. Corey, starting 7 players he got in that heralded 2005 draft, put up 130 points, but it wasn’t enough. The champ was dead. Long live the champ.
In the other wild card match, we had our first full-blown JL controversy. Here’s how I remember it. With Matty heading to a bar to watch the Skins game, he calls me and tells me to play Rod Smith if “he appears to be healthy.” So Jared and I decide to play Smith if he starts. He starts, but then only scored 2 points, and when Matty returns from the bar he is, of course, pissed at our decision. Now, in the year past, Matty has admitted to fabricate this entire scenario in order to cause JL chaos. But at the time, it really fucked up some shit! Jared, in his royal commishness, decided to table the issue until we saw the results of my final player, Torry Holt, on Monday night. As luck would have it, Torry got the exact 21 points I needed to tie, and with Matty and I all square at 102, Macke had to make a decision. Somehow, and I can’t remember how, I was deemed the loser, and this really didn’t bother me that much, since half my team was on the IR, including McNabb, Ronnie Brown and others. But as it were, Matty was in to the semis, and my turnaround season was busted in the wild card round.
In the semis, the two dominant division winners awaited Sam and Matty. Both matchups were over in a hurry. Stojak absolutely crushed Sam, in the most lopsided result in JL history, 164-48. Stojak left no doubt that he would enter the finals a heavy favorite, getting 36 points from both LT and Mike Vick. (It was the last time Vick would ever be allowed to suit up in a JL jersey.) Across town in Logan Square, Sean was continuing his unexpected run to the finals with a resounding 41 point thrashing of Pickar, drawing in to further question his legitimacy as a semifinalist.
An all Chicago final of Stojak vs. Jourdan was on the table in week 16. Would Stojak become the Buffalo Bills of JL? Would LT finally produce in a meaningful contest? Could Sean insert one final glimmer of delight in to his life now that he was bitter and married? The Skillz Playaz Clubb left the door wide open, and again, LT failed to dominate, putting up only 16, but Jourdan got 0 points from two starters, and failed to capitalize on the opening, giving Stojak the title, 116-111, establishing the Clubb as the top franchise in JL history, to date. The beachfront promise had been fulfilled…Brian #2 had returned.
Season Three.
Year Three began this week with some of the traditional powers coming strong out of the gate. Golden, Stojak, Corey, Jared and Shawn all started 1-0, with Sean and Jared leading the Week One scoring, giving hope that D1 may finally be on par with D2. A late draft and the debacle that will forever be immortalized in the book “Scheduling a Draft with a Japanese Resident, a Dude Travelling Cross Country, and Two Dudes Producing a Play: A Cautionary Tale” both got Year 3 off to a dubious start. Pre-draft trading was down across the board. More on the preview for this season down below.
JL STATISTICAL HISTORY
Two Year Records.
- Stojak 21-5 1 Championship, 1 Runner-Up, 2 D2 Titles
- Corey 15-11 1 Title, 1 Wild Card, 1 D2 2nd Place
- Jared 14-12 1 D1 Title
- Sean 13-13 1 Runner-Up, 1 D1 Title, 1 Wild Card
- Matty 12-14 1 Wild Card
- Golden 12-14 1 D2 2nd Place
- Eddie 12-14 1 D1 2nd Place
- Sam 10-16 1 D1 2nd Place
- Mark 10-16 1 Wild Card
- ‘Noga 9-17 Apparently, a giant cock.
Trophy Case.
- Most Justicey of Them All (League Champ)
2006 – Brian Stojak
2005 – Corey Jones
- You Suck. Balls. (Last Place)
2006 – John Spernoga
2005 – Brian Golden
- King of Smack (Best Trash Talk – League Vote)
2006 – John Spernoga
- Best Draft
2006 – Matty Pickar
- Worst Draft
2006 – Jared Macke
- Executive of the Year
2006 – Brian Stojak
- Biggest Complaint
2006 – “Mark made a bad trade with everyone else, but I don’t have his number.”
Records.
Most Points, One Game: 1. 179, Stojak vs. Gross, Week 2, Season 1
2. 176, Stojak vs. Eddie, Week 4, Season 1
3. 172, Mark vs. Eddie, Week 6, Season 1
Least Points, One Game: 1. 48, Gross, Semifinals vs. Stojak, Season 2
2. 52, Golden, Week 12 vs. Jourdan, Season 1
3. 55, Gross, Week 10 vs. Stojak, Season 1
Most Points, Season: 1. 1692, Stojak, Season 2
2. 1652, Stojak, Season 1
3. 1608, Jared, Season 1
Least Points, Season: 1. 1140, Golden, Season 1
2. 1158, Spernoga, Season 2
3. 1202, Matty, Season 1
Most Points Scored in a Loss: 1. 146, Gross vs. Jourdan, Week 6, Season 2
2. 143, Mark vs. Matty, Week 3, Season 1
Least Points Scored in a Win: 1. 62, Golden vs. Pickar, Week 6, Season 1
2. 79, Jourdan vs. Golden, Week 9, Season 2
Most Straight Games Over 100: 1. 12, Corey, Week 7, Season 1 – Week 2, Season 2
2. 11, Stojak, Week 6, Season 2 – current
3. 8, Golden, Week 13, Season 1 – Week 7, Season 2
Most Straight Games Under 100: 1. 6, Spernoga, start of Season 2
2. 6, Golden, Week 1-6, Season 1
3. 5, Jared, start of Season 2
Biggest Margin of Victory: 1. 116, Stojak over Gross, Semifinals, Season 2
2. 89, Mark over Eddie, Week 6, Season 1
3. 89, Stojak over Golden, Week 9, Season 1
Longest Winning Streak: 1. 7, Stojak, Week 10, Season 2 – current
T1. 7, Me, Week 13, Season 1 – Week 6, Season 2
3. 6, Eddie, Week 8 – Wild Card, Season 1
Longest Losing Streak: 1. 5, Spernoga, Week 4-8, Season 2
1. 5, Golden, Week 1-5, Season 1
Longest Winning Streak, Head to Head: 1. Corey vs. Matty (5-0 all time)
2. Eddie vs. Sam (4-0 all time)
SEASON THREE PREVIEW
While I’m leaving Power Rankings this year, at least for now, to my esteemed co-commish, I’m going to lay out my predictions for the year.
Division 1
- Jared (9-4, D1 champ) – I don’t think J Mack’s team is quite as strong as he thinks it is, but what else is new? This team is stocked with good, young talent, and I have to look at last year’s brutal 4-9 campaign as an aberration. Despite being the only team in JL history to change team names (He hates tradition…and probably freedom, too.), this team is solid up and down the lineup, and should be in the future as well. One of two major beneficiaries of the big Moss to New England preseason trade (I was the other), the receivers are good, and could all post career numbers. Chad Johnson is, like his jacket says, a future Hall of Famer, and Larry Fitzgerald can only continue to produce great numbers as Leinart gets better. Roethlisberger is going to have a bigger year than normal, and Carson Palmer is a very solid #1 QB. The area that concerns me here is RB depth, with only Steven Jackson and an aging Shaun Alexander separating this RB crew from total mediocrity. Shockey is a good TE, but his value will decrease with the injury to Eli.
- Shawn (7-6, D1 2nd Place) – I underestimated this team all of last year, and I have to say he’ll be in the playoffs again this year. If Tony Romo matures and bombs away like he did on Sunday night, this team could easily take the division away from Jared. The Chargers D is really coming in to its own, and Tony G will probably be good for plenty of catches, if not TDs, with the Chiefs troubling QB situation. Like Jared, the big variable here is RB. Maroney and Willie Parker both have plenty of upside, but with a new coach in Pittsburgh and more of a downfield philosophy in New England, both could see their numbers suffer. Sean is a master at the mid season waiver wire pickup, so don’t be surprised to see him snag a back in midseason that catapults him to another playoff berth.
- Mark (6-7, Wild Card) – This is definitely my sleeper team this year. I’ve got them just missing the playoffs as it stands right now, but I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Mark went 10-3 and made the Justice Bowl. Well, I would be surprised, because Mark is a lock to make a few ill-advised trades along the way, but look at a lineup full of breakout years in the making: Leinart, Addai, Darrell Jackson, Kellen Winslow. There’s honestly no depth to speak of at either QB or RB, which is why I’ve still got him out of the playoffs. If this team stays together, and Mark doesn’t trade away all his 2008 draft picks, he’ll be an early favorite for the 2008 Justice Bowl.
- Sam (5-8) – Gross probably has the best QB/RB combo in the division, with Drew Brees, Rudi Johnson and Willis McGahee at the prime spots. Andre Johnson has been a chronic underachiever at WR, but could bust out with the Matt Schaub era off to a bang in Houston. If Calvin Johnson reaches veteran form by midseason, this will be a WR corps to be feared. I’m concerned about the weaker positions, with Alge Crumpler, and the Bengals D currently on my Overrated list.
- Eddie (4-9) – I can’t really tell if Eddie in Future Building mode or not, but with Adrian Peterson looking like a man-child in Minnesota, and QB Philip Rivers appearing a perennial Pro-Bowler, there is reason for hope in the Bay Area. For now, though, Larry Johnson will get yards but not TDs, and Brandon Jacobs is out for a long, long time in New York. The WR crew is all good, but old, with Hines Ward beginning to face threats for touches in an altered Steeler offense. If Eddies team makes the playoffs, it’ll be on the back of his beloved Chiefs – Eddie Kennison and LJ need to have big years.
Division 2
- Stojak (10-3, D2 Champ) – Brian #2 has had the dominant JL franchise for 2 years, and that won’t change as long as LT is in the backfield. The 1-2 punch of Tomlinson and Frank Gore makes Stojak capable of posting 150 points anywhere, against anyone, and Stojak’s amazing strategy of amassing draft picks will probably be modeled by Justice Owners for years to come. A high-pick bonanza brought Maurice Jones-Drew, Marshawn Lynch, Cadillac Williams, Ben Watson and Jon Kitna to the bench, rendering it easily the strongest second line in the league. There is reason for hope, however. Vince Young is no lock at QB, and without a dominant WR, this is a team that can be beaten. If the Ravens offense sucks, the D will be put in bad spots all year, making a few upsets possible.
- Corey (8-5, D2 2nd Place) – As I pointed out in the preview, Corey is still reaping the benefits of that first draft class. Look at his lineup: Peyton, Marvin, Todd Heap, Marion Barber, Plaxico, Thomas Jones, Bears D and John Carney – all from the 2005 class. Some would say – well, that’s just because Corey never keeps up with his team. But hook a brotha up: what a great draft, probably the best in JL history, rivaled only by Stojak’s draft this year as far as meeting needs. I’m worried about this team’s age, with Marvin, Burress, Heap, Carney, McAllister and a lot of the bench certainly on the downhill slopes of great careers. There’s not a lot of bench to speak of right now, but the lineup is good enough to make the playoffs for the third straight year.
- Golden (7-6, Wild Card) – Boy, that Randy Moss trade really saved my ass. If Moss doesn’t go to the Pats, I’m stuck with gimpy McNabb, probably don’t get Westbrook from Matty in exchange for Donovan, and am just too depressed to make a deal for Vernon Davis. As it is, I’m in solid shape at QB, TE and K, but my WR are too old. Right now, I’ve probably got the second best WR crew in the league after Jared, but Torry Holt and Donald Driver could break a hip at any moment. I think I met my needs well in the draft, scooping up an underrated Bryant Johnson, Santonio Holmes and Devery Henderson, and I’m sure I’ll keep one of these young guys next year. Ronnie Brown is now splitting carries in Miami, and it makes me want to die, so I’ll have to throw RB in the weakness column as well. Luckily, I have no job, so I’ll devote enough time to this shit to make the playoffs. Too bad I only play Mark once a year.
- Spernoga (6-7) – Gotta give it up to Spernoga. He’s working hard in the offseason, getting better, putting in the time, and making steps toward the future. Unfortunately, he’s just not there yet. Travis Henry scares the crap out of me because he’s got Mike Shanahan pulling his strings, and Jamal Lewis…yeah…who knows. Bulger, however, is a really underrated QB, and if Greg Olsen and Cedric Benson have good years in Chicago, this could be a playoff team. But for now, that seems unlikely, and I think John has to wait one more year to make his playoff push.
- Matty (4-9) – There’s a truckload of young talent on this team, but does Matty still care about this league? Is he too busy profiling America’s best and brightest on A & E to put in the hours necessary to resuscitate the Pickar juggernaut? Pickar has a nucleus here that makes him the early favorite to win the Super Bowl in 2010 – Reggie Bush, Greg Jennings, Marques Colston, Nate Kaeding and the Broncos D should only get better in the next few years. If McNabb stays healthy for an entire year, I’ll be shocked, but it could happen. Just as Eddie is counting on his Chiefs to send him to the playoffs, Matty needs help from a couple Redskins – Clinton Portis needs to establish himself as a second-tier RB again, and Jason Campbell better score some points, because McNabb will be hurt at some point.
Playoff Predictions.
Wild Card Round:
Golden defeats Shawn, 116-105
Mark defeats Corey, 131-109
Divisional Round:
Stojak defeats Golden, 142-119
Jared defeats Mark, 106-62
Justice Bowl III:
Jared defeats Stojak, 121-116.
Odds.
Feel free to bet these. Maximum bet, $5.
To Win Justice Bowl:
Stojak 3-1
Jared 4-1
Corey 6-1
Golden 7-1
Sean 7-1
Mark 7-1
Eddie 10-1
Sam 10-1
Spernoga 12-1
Matty 13-1
To Win D1:
Jared EVEN
Sean 3-2
Eddie 4-1
Sam 6-1
Mark 6-1
To Win D2:
Stojak 1-2
Corey 3-1
Golden 3-1
Matty 5-1
Spernoga 8-1
To Score Most Points:
Stojak EVEN
Jared 2-1
Golden 5-1
Corey 5-1
Mark 7-1
Sean 7-1
Matty 8-1
Sam 10-1
Eddie 10-1
Spernoga 13-1
And there it is, folks, your Third Annual Justice League Preview. I say belatedly, and with great pleasure….LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!
