Justice League Midseason Breakdown

We’ve reached the midseason point, the 6/13 mark of the year, as it were, and its team for an old fashioned JL breakdown. Complaints surfaced last week that the trophies I created had “very little to do with football or the actual action on the fault”. My response, to Mr. Kurtz – It’s fantasy football. There is no field. Except for the one we were all playing while you were tied down to Steffi, no-English speaking spokesperson for the Hitler Youth.

I’m going to steal a page from my buddy Bill Simmons, The Sports Guy, at ESPN.com, in doing these rankings of the teams. They’re not power rankings – that field belongs to the J-man. They’re more…classifications…and odds, for all the armchair gamblers in da house.

But first, a quick congratulations to Sean Jourdan, for winning the first annual Bird Shit Bowl, due to his victory over Sam this week. I tried to present the award to Sean in person, but apparently his film at Century Center was changed from 4:30 to 4:00, which really pissed me off, because I missed it by ten minutes.

This week, it’s the Director’s Chair at stake, between me and Eddie. My superior handling of casts will outperform your technical mastery. Just wait!

THE FONTBONNE DIVISION

10. Team 9 From Outer Space – After 6 games, Matty has scored 90 points less than the next closest team. That’s 15 points per game lower than 9^th place. This is a good owner and a proud franchise that’s really struggling right now – a lot like McDonald’s. The Golden Arches have it coming from all sides – the health food craze, Fat Jared’s ascension as a Subway spokesman, the resurgence of Sonic and Burger King…Matty’s team is the same way, getting pounded in a really tough division, with everyone on the team underachieving, and the two Saints on the roster getting fucked by a bad team. However, Darren McFadden is going to look great on this team next year.

9. Longhorn Deez Nuts – It looks like Corey’s reign of dominance is finally over, as Thomas Jones hasn’t transferred to the Jets like he might have, Marvin Harrison is finally showing signs of age, and Corey’s third starting WR is (gulp) Andre Davis. Throw in the Bears’ struggles on defense and offense (which hurts the opportunistic defense), and you’ve got a recipe for a let down. Oh yeah – losing Deuce McAllister to a season-ender didn’t help either.

THE BAD BEAT DIVISION

8. Stanford Spliffs – Sam doesn’t believe in God. That explains a lot. For the second straight year, Samuel Solomon Gross is being victimized by a brutal schedule where opponents seem to turn out their best weeks when playing him. This squad needs a little fantasy Viagra, as neither Johnson in the starting lineup can stay healthy. Also, Drew Brees has looked like Aaron Brooks and Reggie Brown…well…I’m really sorry I told you to pick him last year buddy.

7. Conatus – Mark Lyons doesn’t believe in God. That explains a lot. For the second straight year, Mark Lyons is being victimized by a schedule where opponents always seem to turn out their best weeks against him. Here are the scores put up by Mark’s opponents: 118, 161, 103, 97, 114, 156. At 0-6, Mark is still very much in the running for the most points wild card spots, but how long can he really avoid tilt when he looks over and sees me starting Tom Brady every week?

THE UPSTART

6. Tokyo Marble Quadsackers – I continue to applaud Spernoga for upgrading his team, and I think this is the year the playoffs finally come to Tokyo…er…San Diego. The Travis Henry injury is going to really, really hurt, however, leaving Cedric Benson as the best RB on this team. This team could really get a jolt if the Chris Chambers to San Diego move helps Chambers score more points. With Lyons and Jones hot on his heels in the points race, Noga really needs to start getting more wins. That’s a tough row to hoe in D2.

THE DARK HORSE

5. Deuce’s Loose – I tried to offer Eddie a trade today, and was bewildered to find that his team is actually pretty good. Quarterback is the only real weakness, and I’d say the jury is still way, way out on how Philip Rivers is going to be long term. There are three gimme wins left on the schedule, so Eddie has no excuse for not getting 7 or 8 wins and locking up a playoff spot. This also has to be the most curious WR corps in the league; with out of nowhere Wes Welker 12^th in the league in scoring, old standby Santana Moss 73^rd, and Derrick Mason, probably the least talked about top 20 WR ever, holding fast at #21.

LURKING

4. Skillz Playaz Clubb – The JL defending champ hasn’t made much noise this year, mainly due to LT’s early season struggles. With Stojak’s sack of magic beans gone, his team has looked mortal, but the Great Tomlinson cooked up some of that old elixir last week on his way to 4 scores and 47 fantasy points. The stable of RBs (Frank Gore, Marshawn Lynch, MJD, Julius Jones) should give Stojak tons of trading deadline power, and this bunch has already reclaimed the D2 scoring lead.

THE COMMISHES

3. Hogwarts Whorecruxes – The league’s only team in history to change its name not once, but twice, got out of the gates fast, but has since been crippled by injuries to all-star backs Shaun Alexander and Steven Jackson. WR Larry Fitzgerald is really good, but always seems one year away from truly realizing his dredlocked potential. Credit my co-commish for keeping his house in order, as all the peripheral pieces (TE Shockey, D Pats, K Gostkowski), have been superb, keeping him right in the thick of the race.

2. Naughty Secretaries – Yeah, my team has been pretty good, with the top QB, 2 of the top 4 RBs, and the best young WR in the game with Roy Williams. Add to that my stellar pickups of Santonio Holmes and the Packers D, and its hard to tell how good I can be if Vernon Davis gets healthy. But there’s something nagging me, saying that this team can’t quite win the J-Bowl…no, that’s just the fajita I just ate from Taco Burrito House talking. My team is really good.

THE CLUBHOUSE LEADER

1.Logan Square Hellions – After a year and a half of defying expectations and covering spreads with savvy waiver wire pickups, the future is now in Logan Square. This is the premiere team in J-League, folks: the league’s 2^nd ranked QB (Romo), two top ten backs (Willie Parker, Lamont Jordan), a stud WR (Owens), two WRs having career years (Engram, Crayton) and a deep bench that includes Dwayne Bowe, Laverneus Coles, Cotchery, Michael Turner, Sammy Morris, Mason Crosby and Vincent Jackson. The only thing in the way of this squad’s ascent to at least the J-Bowl finals is a meteor striking Dallas.

Projected Final Standings:

D1

Sean 11-2

Jared 9-4

Eddie 7-6

Sam 4-9

Mark 3-10

D2

Golden 10-3

Stojak 10-3

Spernoga 7-6

Corey 5-8

Matty 3-10

Playoffs:

Wild Card Round

Stojak over Eddie

Jared over Spernoga

Semifinals

Golden over Stojak

Sean over Jared

J-Bowl

Sean over Golden

Justice League Power Rankings: Week Five

For those of you, my loyal fans, wondering: how does Brian produce so much quality prose analyzing fantasy sports each and every week? The answer is: I have no fucking clue. I just do. I’ve got about 10 regular weekly writing assignments now for various new outlets, including this esteemed www.crowdrush.com, Inside Tulsa Sports, Orange & Blue News, UGASports.com, Hokie Haven, MacReportOnline, Cyclone Report, Sears, Von Maur and participating Domino’s. But the Justice League preview is the home I can always go to again, and I return once more to present you with:

Week Four Preview & Power Rankings, Goldie Style

1. Jared (3-0, 454 pts.) Macke and I have been talking so much the last week or so working on this website, he’s ridiculously inside my head and I’m afraid he might be typing this right now somehow. This choice isn’t too complicated: he’s leading the league in scoring, he’s the only 3-0 squad and he’s got no significant injuries….er…except for that last part, as Shaun Alexander plays this week with a broken hand and Steven Jackson also sits out, for some injury I’ve been too busy to understand. Is there a more terrifying sight in Justice League than having the Bengals on the 50, and knowing that all it takes is one Palmer-Ocho CInco pass for Jared’s team to score like 25 points?

2. Me (2-1, 445 pts.) I was going to be humble and rank my team 3^rd or 4^th, but I’m 50 points ahead of 3^rd in scoring, and I just couldn’t do it. Besides, Tracey ripped out my manhood and left it to stink up Lincoln Avenue overnight, so I need all the morale boost I can give myself. In all seriousness, I scored 210 points this week, shattering Jared’s one week old league scoring record. Given that the only precedent for this kind of thing is Mark McGwire hitting 70 only to see Bonds hit 73 three years later, would you say Mr. Macke has been McGwired or been Bondsed?

3. Sean (2-1, 395 pts.) Sean’s Fantasy To-Do List: Step One. Set lineup. Check. Step Two. Do impression of creepy cigar-smoking lounge devil mascot in mirror. Still got it. Check. Step Three. Rip out Eddie’s heart by drafting Chief du jour Dwayne Bowe one spot before he can. Check. Step Four. Pick up underappreciated talent like Vincent Jackson and Matt Schaub at the scoffing of other league members. Check.

4. Stojak (2-1, 381 pts.) I know, I know, underestimate this team at your peril, but at least things are interesting now, right? This team’s been underperforming so much lately, with LDT sucking, Frank Gore’s mom dying, and Javon Walker catching passes from Jay Cutler, that Stojak actually uttered these words yesterday: “I think Jon Kitna might just save my fantasy season.” Be afraid. Be very afraid.

5. Spernoga (1-2, 355 pts.) John Sper-noga Clap-Clap ClapClapClap! The quadsack has at least three sacks out of the cellar, and no owner deserves it more. Well, except the owners of one of those ninth ward homes in New Orleans that got totally f-ed up by Katrina, but no fantasy owner in this league at least. Now, with an injury to Bulger and the terrible Bear offense threatening to sink Spernoga’s ship, we finally find out: will the Quadsack float?

6. Corey (2-1, 340 pts.) There’s a hole in my heart that can only be filled by Deuce. McAllister, that is. The injury to the Saints’ feature back (did you hear that they’re helping a broken city rebuild its self-image??) is going to hurt, but Corey usually finds a way to bounce back from these things, and Marion Barber is looking like the answer at the other RB spot. Thomas Jones, Corey followed you from Chicago to New Jersey. Deliver!

7. Mark (0-3, 338 pts.) Mark needs a WR, badly. A hard-luck 0-3, the foundation for greatness is there with Joey Addai and the Edgemeister both fuckin’ chicks and liking it, the 6^th and 8^th best RBs in the league.But only two WRs on the roster have scored more than 8 ppg, and that’s not good. Motion to propose trade, your honor?

8. Sam (1-2, 325 pts.) Hey, look at Samwise and Mark cuddled up next to one another in the rankings, just like in their hearts. Ain’t it cute? Hey, remember last year when every team had the game of their life against Sam’s fledging squad? Gross is back to his old tricks this year, surrendering 472 points in just three games. That’s 157 a week. Geh.

9. Eddie (1-2, 323 pts.) There are more Qs on Eddie’s roster right now than there are in the entire Bay Area. Zing! When does Deuceman start playing LarryBall? You know you want to! Adrian Peterson and Wes Welker are looking like really, really good pickups right now.

10. Matty (1-2, 258 pts.) So Matty proved that he’s still alive. Great. But the dude is averaging 86 ppg. I thought we were measuring bench by cock size, not total points?

Beer Busters Power Rankings: Week Four

Deuce is done, the Saints are ain’ts, the Pack is back, and the Texans might just be fo’ real. How does this all relate to our fantasy existences? Find out, ‘sons’:

1. Skillz Playaz Clubb – The cream always rises to the top, and what is Stojak, if not creamy? He’s outscored 2^nd place by 12 ppg, so only a tard wouldn’t have him #1 at this point. I still maintain that the bench is weak, but Brady, Addai, Parker and Joey Galloway are all performing about as well as you could expect them to at this point. With Kevin Curtis starting to get open as Meiser’s wallet at the mechanic, maybe the WR depth isn’t a problem.

2. Bomb 1^st on U Fakeass Bitches – God, I should rank you 12^th for just the name. Apparently Richard handling drafting while letting an 11 year old child with Down’s Syndrome text message his team name. Regardless, the RBs have sucked, but can only get better from here. Tony Romo is “filling in” for the weak RBs (Romo = Homo), but for now, the mystique is gone from the team formerly known as Dynasty.

3. Vick’s Bitches – Ok, so Josh is 0-3, but let’s not get crazy. This is still a loaded team that has quality depth at RB and WR. Gore, Portis and Ahman Green are a nice triumvirate of RBs, and name another roster that has the WR depth of Fitz, Santonio, D-Jackson, Isaac Bruuuuuce, and Derrick Mason? That kind of depth will help during injuries and bye weeks, and Leichtner’s receiving corps goes 5-deep better than anyone in the league, although that’s more than I can say for his cock.

4. The Dynasty is One and Done – What a busy week at Sigma Alpha Mneh! Marc Bulger got hurt, Shaun Alexander broke his wrist, Chris Chambers plead guilty to reckless driving, TO dazzled on MNF, and Adrian Peterson was really stuffed after eating three Chiefs linebackers. Louis could make a case for being ranked higher, but with the injury questions at the top of the lineup, I’m hesitant to go higher. Quick poll: with Bulger, Shaun Alexander, and TO, does Louis have the league’s three most likely closet homosexuals?

5. K. Lansing Owns Rich – The RB corps is the league’s deepest, with 4 of the top 19 performers to date, and the Kitna pick up is looking strong. But there’s still one problem: Eric needs a WR to put him in the league’s upper echelon. Eric needs TJ Houshmanzadeh. Eric needs to trade me Edge James for TJ Houshmanzadeh and a 5^th round pick. Eric is going to let the droids pass.

6. Team Golden – Everything’s come up Milhouse for me, as my stiffest (heh heh – stiffest) competition for the 3 hole in division one keeps losing, and some of my bench prospects are coming alive (Greg Jennings, Greg Olsen). However, I’m going to need to get a lot better at RB to contend this season. See above for how I plan to do that.

7. LA Fried Prawns – This week, in “John and Vince”, Lowenthal tours New Orleans’ ravaged 9^th ward with Vince Young and Suzy Kolber while Vince gives hope to the homeless children by playing catch in front of their temporary trailer park homes. After the Titans impressive Monday win, Lowenthal tells Suzy what a “special kid” Vince has always been, and then tells her how much he’d like to kiss her. Oh wait, that’s Joe Namath.

8. Team Meiser – I still don’t know what to make of this team. Team Meiser looks more solid than all the squads below, but I’m afraid to hop on the wagon, because this team’s about one bad week away from becoming a jalopy. Reggie Bush is going to get a lot more touches now with Deuce’s injury, but who knows if the yardage will go up or down? Rudi got dinged Saturday and if the Bears go in to total meltdown mode, the injuries could really make this unit mediocre.

9. Saint Louis Stoners – Yeah, this team might actually have a chance to see the playoffs in the subpar division two, especially if Brian Westbrook keeps producing. Peyton is steady as she goes under center, and Wes Welker looks like a mortal lock for this year’s Ed McCaffrey/John Lynch/Steve Tasker for “Short Scrappy Blue-Collar White Guy the Media Goes Absolutely Nuts Over But Really Isn’t That Good”

10. Windy City Workhorses – I don’t think there’s a single guy on Evan’s roster who isn’t underperforming, meaning this is a stock you ought to buy while its this low. Drew Brees, Donald Driver and Bernie Berrian can only get better but Evan will still have expansionitis (lack of good running backs).

11. San Francisco 48ers – Robertson’s squad looks like a Medivac chopper coming out of Baghdad, with Brandon Jacobs, Chester Taylor and Andre Johnson all on crutches, and Kevin Jones, Jay Cutler home sick with a persistent case of the “Probables”. My complaint that kickers should not be named Nugent still stands.

12. Those Words Hurt – Shame on you, Elkin. 200 points in three games? 0-3? Worse than Robertson’s walking cemetery? Disgraceful. Now take those words, and picture how harsh they’d be if you were black.

Beer Busters Fantasy League Preview

Hello my new friends and associates in fantasy football. As Brian Stojak may have told you, I am a bit of an anal fuck. I like to rank, sort, and number things. This serves me well in my part time career as a freelance sportswriter, where I am often paid to make lists. I am particularly fond of writing and ranking fantasy football teams and their owners. I thought I’d say hello to the league with a run down of the league, as I see it. I have no biases, since I don’t know most of you, and I won’t let my hatred for Stojak and Evan influence me.

My friend Jared Macke has a new website he’s working on that will provide people with the tools to make their fantasy leagues much, much better. The site is going to be really awesome, and by the end of the day, there will be a Power Rankings tool up which I’ll link everyone to and show you how you can make your own.

But for now, here they are, brought to you by CrowdRush.com and Miller Genuine Draft…my Beer Busters power rankings.

1. The Dynasty (Richard Wagner) – How the fuck did you guys let a guy named DICK hoard Steven Jackson, LT and Larry Johnson in the same fucking backfield?? Are you serious? This team is fucking filthy, not to mention Chad Johnson and Torry Holt catching passes from Tony Homo. (Get it, Homo? Because he’s gay.) You know when you meet a pack of chicks and there’s one in the group that’s really hot, just so hot that you instantly know you’ll never get with her and you immediately hate her for it? That’s what this team is to me.

2. Vick’s Bitches (Josh Leichtner) - Don’t let week one’s fairly lackluster performance against Stojak fool you: this team is good enough to be on the medal stand come December. There are some injury question marks (McNabb, Portis), but if the Bitches run in top gear, they could contend with the Dynasty for a Beer Division title. Leichtner filled in this team with a lot of savvy draft picks, like Darrell Jackson, Santonio Holmes and Kellen Winslow, and he deserves your respect and applause.

3. Brian Rox (Brian Stojak) – Stojak’s dominance of our other league makes it feel so odd and tingly to not be ranking him #1. But I like it. He’s still got a pretty good team here, but with Ronnie Brown falling out of favor in Miami, Stoge’s very weak bench could be exposed. I’m not high on any of the Saints this year, and I hate Devery Henderson, and his bench is full of guys that are about two weeks away from losing position battles. Still, a good team, but will the brutal Beer Division schedule be too tough?

4. The Dynasty is One and Done (Louis Baer) – Watch out for this team, my new friends. Louis announced his authority (with a ‘mneh’?) in week one, leading the league in scoring and throttling the work horses. Bulger is a perennially underrated Fantasy QB, and Adrian Peterson is going to be an absolute beast/manchild/wunderkind in Minnesota. If Shaun Alexander’s Seahawks return to form this year, and I think they will, this is a RB crew that will score a crapload of TDs. TO and Lee Evans are going to score a lot, as well. Don’t sleep on this team, folks.

5. K. Lansing Owns Rich (Eric Altschul) – Nothing spectacular from the Cursive K, but a really solid team up and down the lineup that should make the playoffs in the weak-ass Tabasco Division. Edge, McGahee and Marshawn Lynch are a really solid crew of RBs, and Cadillac is a backup with big time upside. Carson’s going bombs away this year in Cincy, and Gates is, as always, a stud at TE. The WR are actually pretty brutal, with Vincent Jackson, I think, the #1 WR, but its kind of hard to make out from here: they both stink pretty bad. I’m fascinated to find out who wins the battle between Jon Kitna and Trent Green to be the grizzled veteran that wears the headset and signals plays in to Carson Palmer, looking surprisingly enthusiastic even though you know they’re dying inside.

6. Mound City Mashers (Mike Armijo) – Now that Peyton is over the “Big Game” hump, this team has a chance to go deep. Manning, Brian Westbrook and Maurice-Jones Drew provide a tight little nucleus, and the Manning-Reggie Wayne double whammy makes upsets over better teams very possible when those two hook up. Speaking of which, just picture Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne actually hooking up for a minute. How awkward would that be? Just Peyton awkwardly trying to “read the defense” and Reggie begging Peyton to wear the fake moustache from the Sprint commercial.

7. Team Elkin (Josh Elkin) –A lot of the key components are over the hill, but if this team doesn’t get distracted by all the new-fangled technology and this month’s Reader’s Digest, Team Elkin could make a run. Deuce McAllister will still score some TDs in between the hip replacement surgeries, and Marvin Harrison is as money as the come. To Elkin’s credit, he went young in the draft with Calvin Johnson, Robert Meachem and Ladell Betts. One of those three guys will be awesome by year’s end, and it might be the little push the Elks need.

8. Team Golden (Me) – That’s right, I said it. You didn’t think an expansion team could do anything but brutally suck, did you? Staring down at the half-eaten Week One carcass of Jared Meiser, I disagree. Sure, I scored 11^th most points in the league, but I’m a good RB away from being really competitive. I have the best young QB, best young TE, best K, and one of the best D’s in fantasy. If any of my young WRs (Dwayne Jarrett, Greg Jennings, Bobby Wade) blow up, I’m a trade away from being a playoff team. Beware.

9. Windy City Workhorses (Evan Thoreau Heigert) – Let’s just stand back and behold the genius of Evan’s “C” logo for a minute, shall we? Picture New England hitting the field with an “E” on their helmets, and you have the beauty of this team, and Evan himself. Evan had a nice little draft, and if he hadn’t snatched Donald Driver one spot earlier than I expected, my team would be really good. Brees and Rivers will be solid all year at QB, and with LaVernues Coles, he probably leads the league in Sexually Abused Players, but who knows for sure?

10. Team Meiser (Jared Meiser) – I’m still trying to figure out how this team only scored 51 points last week. Hasselbeck has one great fantasy season left in him, and Rudi Johnson might be the most perennially underrated fantasy player in the history of fantasy. The WR crew is actually playoff worthy, especially if Plaxico isn’t fucked by the Eli injury. If there’s any team in the league that is one injury away from going from decent to terrible, its this one.

11. LA Fried Prawns (John Lowenthal) – Quick quiz: who leads the league in overrated former Texas Longhorns? Ding ding. I grilled John on the Vince Young keeper pick yesterday, and I was told: “he’s been underestimated his whole life, no one ever believes in him, but he always comes through.” And now I can’t get the idea out of my head to make a documentary starring Lowenthal as Vince Young’s older brother who was probably more talented than Vince, but blew out a knee in his first college game, prematurely ruining a dazzling career, leaving him to live his dreams through Vince’s eyes. Let’s call it “Friday Night Prawns.”

12. Team Robertson (Chris Robertson) – I’m a sucker for Chris’ high-brow atheism, but this team has already gone from bad to worse. The Brandon Jacobs injury is killer. Injury or no, Chester Taylor is getting pwned on the Vikes depth chart by AP, and you all know my feelings on Jay Cutler. The Seahawks D is in a bad division for defenses, Alge Crumpler is catching passes from Freddie Prinze Jr., and what kind of self-respected kicker is named Nugent? Kickers have names like Gostkowski, Janikowski, Yepremian, Gramatica. Not fucking Nugent.

Justice League Preview, Season Three

Well friends, that time is finally here. I’ve just closed a show with my theatre company, I’m back to having no real job for the time being and, conveniently, football is underway. You know what that means! The time has arrived for the….

THIRD ANNUAL JUSTICE LEAGUE PREVIEW

Read on for what is, I promise, the most in-depth analysis of any fantasy league in the world. And since you’re paying jack shit for all this frothy justice, its safe to say you’re getting your money’s worth.

JUSTICE LEAGUE HISTORY

Season One.

It all started with the first JL draft in fall of 2005, and the only draft in the history of our league where all players began in the draft pool. Want a good laugh? Take a look at this first round:

1. Stojak – LaDanian Tomlinson (We all still think you’re an asshole for getting first pick)

2. Jared – Shaun Alexander (OK, down year last year, but still a solid pick)

3. Mark – Priest Holmes (trying to contain laughter)

4. Sean – Edgerrin James (not a bad pick; Sean had no way to know that Edge would get shipped to the Arizona Titanics and be the most frequently traded player in JL history. Its true; you can look it up.)

5. Corey – Peyton Manning (what a great pick at #5. Seems like a no-brainer in hindsight, but how did 2-3 people pass on him?)

6. Matty – Clinton Portis (oh Matty and his blind Redskins bias – the only bigger Homer than Mr. Pickar is voiced by Dan Castellaneta)

7. Sam – Willis McGahee (eh. Still very young. Jury’s out.)

Here’s where it gets funny:

8. John – Corey Dillon (when Spernoga has nightmares about his JL mediocrity, this pick should be the man in the mask at the end of the dark hallway)

9. Me – Domanick Davis (yeah, yeah, those who live in glass houses…should throw their stones at their former first round draft pick who is currently bagging groceries)

10. Eddie – Jamal Lewis (DD: Thanks for shopping, Mr. Lewis, the crack pipes are in aisle 12).

11. Eddie – Ahman Green

12. Me – Kevin Jones

So, those were some bad early picks. Notice that Stojak and Corey probably did the best in that draft’s first round, and have been the best two teams in league history.

And since you asked, here’s how good Corey’s first draft was:

1. Peyton

2. Tiki Barber

3. Marvin Harrison

4. Thomas Jones

5. Cedric Benson (very odd)

6. Isaac Bruce

7. Travis Henry

8. Plaxico Burress

9. Todd Heap

Fucking awesome first draft for the Dark Knight, and it won him a Super Bowl.

In my first annual JL preview, I forecasted Stojak (D2) and Gross (D1) as division champs, with me, Jared and Corey close on their heels. I called out Sean and John (maybe they should combine for an alternative clothing line) for having terrible teams, saying “The loser between these two teams should give us all the Justice we crave, and respectfully bow from the league.” When they both crushed me, I stopped talking.

Despite the awesome long-term drafts of Corey and Stojak, Jared got out of the gate en fuego in Division 1, blazing to a 6-0 start, with no opponents getting within 28 points of him in 6 straight games. Carson Palmer still had an ACL, Shaun Alexander was still in the closet (kind of), and Macke was leading the league in scoring. Things were good. It wasn’t until Dr. Samuel Gross rode a 30 point outing by the Falcons D to an upset win that Macke finally dropped a contest. Stojak’s Donovan McNabb-led squad cruised through Division 2, starting 7-2 and coasting to a 10-3 finish and a 3 game D2 title.

Here are the final regular season standings from 2005:

D1

(2) Jared 10-3 1608

(4) Eddie 7-6 1309

(6) Sean 6-7 1320

(5) Mark 5-8 1401

Sam 5-8 1221

D2

(1)Stojak 10-3 1652

(3)Corey 7-6 1452

Spernoga 6-7 1299

Matty 5-8 1202

Golden 4-9 1140

With each division winner dominating by a three game margin, a Stojak-Macke final seemed inevitable. The wild card playoff round followed serve, with Corey and Eddie dishing out beat downs to Sean and Mark by about 50 points each. In the semifinals, however, Mr. Jones sprung got help from his ace draft class to spring a Giant upset; Tiki Barber went for 42, the Bears D for 28, Heap for 27, and Peyton, Jones and Harrison combined for 55, as Corey put up 161 to stop Jared, 161-132. Over in the other semi, Stojak needed the Ravens D to return a fumble for a 60-yard TD in a 48-3 victory to narrowly beat Eddie, 121-120. With the league leading 129 points he scored next week, Deuce would have won the title had it not been for that Brett Favre fuck up. He still can’t sleep most nights. Trust me. I’m right next to him in the sack. Because we’re lovers.

Somehow, Stojak had advanced to the finals despite getting just 7 points from LT. He was going to need more to beat a red-hot Longhorn Deez Nuts squad in the finals. Using a make shift lineup of QB Jake Plummer, RB Ricky Williams (in his last JL start ever…I hope) and others, Stojak needed a huge day from his all-world RB, but it didn’t happen. Tomlinson gave him just 5 points, and continued his tradition of gagging in clutch JL situations. Corey got 12+ points from five sources, including K Jeff Wilkins (this guy is the Derek Jeter of fantasy football…he just wins, baby), to beat Stojak 119-113 for the first Justice League crown. As Brian #2 and I sipped margaritas at beachfront bar in Clearwater, Florida, he vowed to me that he would return. And then we fucked. Because we’re gay lovers.

Season Two.

As we headed in to the 2006 campaign, and the first keeper draft in JL history, questions abounded: how would the format affect the balance of power? How much pre-draft player movement would we see? How many tiny Asians would Spernoga annihilate with his giant horse cock during the draft?

While the consequences of the third question were almost too mighty and horrible to fathom, the answers to the previous two would thankfully be calculable without using scientific notation. The keeper draft proved a great equalizer, allowing teams that had struggled (Mark) or sucked giant ass (Me) the previous year to make a bevy of moves, creating hope among all 10 teams that this year might be the year their fans tasted Justice.

I traded Stojak for Donovan McNabb. Edgerrin James changed hands twice, going from Sean to me to Mark, in exchange for more players I dealt to Matty, along with my first pick. Other teams, like Corey, stood pat, and for good reason. Matty kicked off the keeper draft with two stellar picks: Reggie Bush, and last year’s Justice Bowl winning QB, Jake Delhomme. Stojak made the pick of the Draft, nabbing Frank Gore at #6, and then we got the annual first round draft pick hilarity:

5. Sean – Wali Lundy, HOU

7. Jared – Reuben Droughns, CLE

9. Me – DeShaun Foster, CAR

It was Pickar who I gave kudos to this year for an outstanding draft, going deep down on the board for such sleepers as Marques Colston, Greg Jennings and Kellen Winslow. As I’ve always said, no one is better at identifying a good receiver than Matthew Pickar. Both of your two commissioners turned out clunkers in the 2006 draft, with me using my top four picks on Foster, Ben Watson, Kevan Barlow and Drew Bledsoe, and Mr. Macke gobbling up Droughns, Nate Burleson, Kurt Warner and Michael Clayton. (Warner’s career now seems destined to be the greatest sports palindrome of all time – bagging groceries just a couple years before winning a super bowl, going 8-8 the next year, making another super bowl the year after, then taking 4 years to decline in to complete insignificance. I hope he can teach Domanick Davis how to ring up my preferred card quickly.)

In my second annual preview, I forecasted a Stojak vs. Macke superbowl, thinking I’d learned my lessons from the year before, and looked for playoff appearances from myself, Corey, Matty and Eddie. Despite my piece of shit drafting skills, I got out of the gate strong, starting 6-0. Stojak was 5-1 and Corey 5-1, with Division 2’s dominance looming large over D1, where Sean’s apparently average Hellions led with a flukey 4-2 mark. But Sean persevered, making awesome waiver wire pickups (Jerricho Cotchery, Tony Romo) and leading that division coast to coast. Five of the playoff spots were virtually secure almost the entire year; Sean was going to win D1, Stojak had overtaken Corey and I for the lead in D2, and Matty would probably get the second wild card. The drunken orgy that broke out to decide the 6 seed was the hottest race in JL history, and came down to the final minutes of the final Monday night came of the year. Matty, Sam, Eddie and Mark all started week 13 within about 15 points of one another for the final spot, with Jared lurking 40 points behind. Eddie and Mark peed down their legs, with outings of 81 and 62, and Jared’s 134 weren’t quite enough, so Matty and Sam were in the playoffs. Here’s how the final standings broke down in year 2:

Division One

(2) Sean 9-4 1318

(4) Sam 5-8 1340

Eddie 5-8 1318

Mark 5-8 1272

Jared 4-9 1311

Division Two

(1)Stojak 11-2 1692

(3)Golden 8-5 1464

(5)Corey 8-5 1437

(6)Matty 7-6 1319

Spernoga 3-10 1158

For the second straight year, we had both playoff teams from the same division, and no division races decided by less than 3 games. Weird.

In one wild card match, Sam Gross deposed the returning champ thanks to a 50 point performance from QB Drew Brees. Corey, starting 7 players he got in that heralded 2005 draft, put up 130 points, but it wasn’t enough. The champ was dead. Long live the champ.

In the other wild card match, we had our first full-blown JL controversy. Here’s how I remember it. With Matty heading to a bar to watch the Skins game, he calls me and tells me to play Rod Smith if “he appears to be healthy.” So Jared and I decide to play Smith if he starts. He starts, but then only scored 2 points, and when Matty returns from the bar he is, of course, pissed at our decision. Now, in the year past, Matty has admitted to fabricate this entire scenario in order to cause JL chaos. But at the time, it really fucked up some shit! Jared, in his royal commishness, decided to table the issue until we saw the results of my final player, Torry Holt, on Monday night. As luck would have it, Torry got the exact 21 points I needed to tie, and with Matty and I all square at 102, Macke had to make a decision. Somehow, and I can’t remember how, I was deemed the loser, and this really didn’t bother me that much, since half my team was on the IR, including McNabb, Ronnie Brown and others. But as it were, Matty was in to the semis, and my turnaround season was busted in the wild card round.

In the semis, the two dominant division winners awaited Sam and Matty. Both matchups were over in a hurry. Stojak absolutely crushed Sam, in the most lopsided result in JL history, 164-48. Stojak left no doubt that he would enter the finals a heavy favorite, getting 36 points from both LT and Mike Vick. (It was the last time Vick would ever be allowed to suit up in a JL jersey.) Across town in Logan Square, Sean was continuing his unexpected run to the finals with a resounding 41 point thrashing of Pickar, drawing in to further question his legitimacy as a semifinalist.

An all Chicago final of Stojak vs. Jourdan was on the table in week 16. Would Stojak become the Buffalo Bills of JL? Would LT finally produce in a meaningful contest? Could Sean insert one final glimmer of delight in to his life now that he was bitter and married? The Skillz Playaz Clubb left the door wide open, and again, LT failed to dominate, putting up only 16, but Jourdan got 0 points from two starters, and failed to capitalize on the opening, giving Stojak the title, 116-111, establishing the Clubb as the top franchise in JL history, to date. The beachfront promise had been fulfilled…Brian #2 had returned.

Season Three.

Year Three began this week with some of the traditional powers coming strong out of the gate. Golden, Stojak, Corey, Jared and Shawn all started 1-0, with Sean and Jared leading the Week One scoring, giving hope that D1 may finally be on par with D2. A late draft and the debacle that will forever be immortalized in the book “Scheduling a Draft with a Japanese Resident, a Dude Travelling Cross Country, and Two Dudes Producing a Play: A Cautionary Tale” both got Year 3 off to a dubious start. Pre-draft trading was down across the board. More on the preview for this season down below.

JL STATISTICAL HISTORY

Two Year Records.

1. Stojak 21-5 1 Championship, 1 Runner-Up, 2 D2 Titles
2. Corey 15-11 1 Title, 1 Wild Card, 1 D2 2^nd Place
3. Jared 14-12 1 D1 Title
4. Sean 13-13 1 Runner-Up, 1 D1 Title, 1 Wild Card
5. Matty 12-14 1 Wild Card
6. Golden 12-14 1 D2 2^nd Place
7. Eddie 12-14 1 D1 2^nd Place
8. Sam 10-16 1 D1 2^nd Place
9. Mark 10-16 1 Wild Card
10. ‘Noga 9-17 Apparently, a giant cock.

Trophy Case.

1. Most Justicey of Them All (League Champ)

2006 – Brian Stojak

2005 – Corey Jones

2. You Suck. Balls. (Last Place)

2006 – John Spernoga

2005 – Brian Golden

3. King of Smack (Best Trash Talk – League Vote)

2006 – John Spernoga

4. Best Draft

2006 – Matty Pickar

5. Worst Draft

2006 – Jared Macke

6. Executive of the Year

2006 – Brian Stojak

7. Biggest Complaint

2006 – “Mark made a bad trade with everyone else, but I don’t have his number.”

Records.

Most Points, One Game: 1. 179, Stojak vs. Gross, Week 2, Season 1

2. 176, Stojak vs. Eddie, Week 4, Season 1

3. 172, Mark vs. Eddie, Week 6, Season 1

Least Points, One Game: 1. 48, Gross, Semifinals vs. Stojak, Season 2

2. 52, Golden, Week 12 vs. Jourdan, Season 1

3. 55, Gross, Week 10 vs. Stojak, Season 1

Most Points, Season: 1. 1692, Stojak, Season 2

2. 1652, Stojak, Season 1

3. 1608, Jared, Season 1

Least Points, Season: 1. 1140, Golden, Season 1

2. 1158, Spernoga, Season 2

3. 1202, Matty, Season 1

Most Points Scored in a Loss: 1. 146, Gross vs. Jourdan, Week 6, Season 2

2. 143, Mark vs. Matty, Week 3, Season 1

Least Points Scored in a Win: 1. 62, Golden vs. Pickar, Week 6, Season 1

2. 79, Jourdan vs. Golden, Week 9, Season 2

Most Straight Games Over 100: 1. 12, Corey, Week 7, Season 1 – Week 2, Season 2

2. 11, Stojak, Week 6, Season 2 – current

3. 8, Golden, Week 13, Season 1 – Week 7, Season 2

Most Straight Games Under 100: 1. 6, Spernoga, start of Season 2

2. 6, Golden, Week 1-6, Season 1

3. 5, Jared, start of Season 2

Biggest Margin of Victory: 1. 116, Stojak over Gross, Semifinals, Season 2

2. 89, Mark over Eddie, Week 6, Season 1

3. 89, Stojak over Golden, Week 9, Season 1

Longest Winning Streak: 1. 7, Stojak, Week 10, Season 2 – current

T1. 7, Me, Week 13, Season 1 – Week 6, Season 2

3. 6, Eddie, Week 8 – Wild Card, Season 1

Longest Losing Streak: 1. 5, Spernoga, Week 4-8, Season 2

1. 5, Golden, Week 1-5, Season 1

Longest Winning Streak, Head to Head: 1. Corey vs. Matty (5-0 all time)

2. Eddie vs. Sam (4-0 all time)

SEASON THREE PREVIEW

While I’m leaving Power Rankings this year, at least for now, to my esteemed co-commish, I’m going to lay out my predictions for the year.

Division 1

1. Jared (9-4, D1 champ) – I don’t think J Mack’s team is quite as strong as he thinks it is, but what else is new? This team is stocked with good, young talent, and I have to look at last year’s brutal 4-9 campaign as an aberration. Despite being the only team in JL history to change team names (He hates tradition…and probably freedom, too.), this team is solid up and down the lineup, and should be in the future as well. One of two major beneficiaries of the big Moss to New England preseason trade (I was the other), the receivers are good, and could all post career numbers. Chad Johnson is, like his jacket says, a future Hall of Famer, and Larry Fitzgerald can only continue to produce great numbers as Leinart gets better. Roethlisberger is going to have a bigger year than normal, and Carson Palmer is a very solid #1 QB. The area that concerns me here is RB depth, with only Steven Jackson and an aging Shaun Alexander separating this RB crew from total mediocrity. Shockey is a good TE, but his value will decrease with the injury to Eli.
2. Shawn (7-6, D1 2^nd Place) – I underestimated this team all of last year, and I have to say he’ll be in the playoffs again this year. If Tony Romo matures and bombs away like he did on Sunday night, this team could easily take the division away from Jared. The Chargers D is really coming in to its own, and Tony G will probably be good for plenty of catches, if not TDs, with the Chiefs troubling QB situation. Like Jared, the big variable here is RB. Maroney and Willie Parker both have plenty of upside, but with a new coach in Pittsburgh and more of a downfield philosophy in New England, both could see their numbers suffer. Sean is a master at the mid season waiver wire pickup, so don’t be surprised to see him snag a back in midseason that catapults him to another playoff berth.
3. Mark (6-7, Wild Card) – This is definitely my sleeper team this year. I’ve got them just missing the playoffs as it stands right now, but I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Mark went 10-3 and made the Justice Bowl. Well, I would be surprised, because Mark is a lock to make a few ill-advised trades along the way, but look at a lineup full of breakout years in the making: Leinart, Addai, Darrell Jackson, Kellen Winslow. There’s honestly no depth to speak of at either QB or RB, which is why I’ve still got him out of the playoffs. If this team stays together, and Mark doesn’t trade away all his 2008 draft picks, he’ll be an early favorite for the 2008 Justice Bowl.
4. Sam (5-8) – Gross probably has the best QB/RB combo in the division, with Drew Brees, Rudi Johnson and Willis McGahee at the prime spots. Andre Johnson has been a chronic underachiever at WR, but could bust out with the Matt Schaub era off to a bang in Houston. If Calvin Johnson reaches veteran form by midseason, this will be a WR corps to be feared. I’m concerned about the weaker positions, with Alge Crumpler, and the Bengals D currently on my Overrated list.
5. Eddie (4-9) – I can’t really tell if Eddie in Future Building mode or not, but with Adrian Peterson looking like a man-child in Minnesota, and QB Philip Rivers appearing a perennial Pro-Bowler, there is reason for hope in the Bay Area. For now, though, Larry Johnson will get yards but not TDs, and Brandon Jacobs is out for a long, long time in New York. The WR crew is all good, but old, with Hines Ward beginning to face threats for touches in an altered Steeler offense. If Eddies team makes the playoffs, it’ll be on the back of his beloved Chiefs – Eddie Kennison and LJ need to have big years.

Division 2

1. Stojak (10-3, D2 Champ) – Brian #2 has had the dominant JL franchise for 2 years, and that won’t change as long as LT is in the backfield. The 1-2 punch of Tomlinson and Frank Gore makes Stojak capable of posting 150 points anywhere, against anyone, and Stojak’s amazing strategy of amassing draft picks will probably be modeled by Justice Owners for years to come. A high-pick bonanza brought Maurice Jones-Drew, Marshawn Lynch, Cadillac Williams, Ben Watson and Jon Kitna to the bench, rendering it easily the strongest second line in the league. There is reason for hope, however. Vince Young is no lock at QB, and without a dominant WR, this is a team that can be beaten. If the Ravens offense sucks, the D will be put in bad spots all year, making a few upsets possible.
2. Corey (8-5, D2 2^nd Place) – As I pointed out in the preview, Corey is still reaping the benefits of that first draft class. Look at his lineup: Peyton, Marvin, Todd Heap, Marion Barber, Plaxico, Thomas Jones, Bears D and John Carney – all from the 2005 class. Some would say – well, that’s just because Corey never keeps up with his team. But hook a brotha up: what a great draft, probably the best in JL history, rivaled only by Stojak’s draft this year as far as meeting needs. I’m worried about this team’s age, with Marvin, Burress, Heap, Carney, McAllister and a lot of the bench certainly on the downhill slopes of great careers. There’s not a lot of bench to speak of right now, but the lineup is good enough to make the playoffs for the third straight year.
3. Golden (7-6, Wild Card) – Boy, that Randy Moss trade really saved my ass. If Moss doesn’t go to the Pats, I’m stuck with gimpy McNabb, probably don’t get Westbrook from Matty in exchange for Donovan, and am just too depressed to make a deal for Vernon Davis. As it is, I’m in solid shape at QB, TE and K, but my WR are too old. Right now, I’ve probably got the second best WR crew in the league after Jared, but Torry Holt and Donald Driver could break a hip at any moment. I think I met my needs well in the draft, scooping up an underrated Bryant Johnson, Santonio Holmes and Devery Henderson, and I’m sure I’ll keep one of these young guys next year. Ronnie Brown is now splitting carries in Miami, and it makes me want to die, so I’ll have to throw RB in the weakness column as well. Luckily, I have no job, so I’ll devote enough time to this shit to make the playoffs. Too bad I only play Mark once a year.
4. Spernoga (6-7) – Gotta give it up to Spernoga. He’s working hard in the offseason, getting better, putting in the time, and making steps toward the future. Unfortunately, he’s just not there yet. Travis Henry scares the crap out of me because he’s got Mike Shanahan pulling his strings, and Jamal Lewis…yeah…who knows. Bulger, however, is a really underrated QB, and if Greg Olsen and Cedric Benson have good years in Chicago, this could be a playoff team. But for now, that seems unlikely, and I think John has to wait one more year to make his playoff push.
5. Matty (4-9) – There’s a truckload of young talent on this team, but does Matty still care about this league? Is he too busy profiling America’s best and brightest on A & E to put in the hours necessary to resuscitate the Pickar juggernaut? Pickar has a nucleus here that makes him the early favorite to win the Super Bowl in 2010 – Reggie Bush, Greg Jennings, Marques Colston, Nate Kaeding and the Broncos D should only get better in the next few years. If McNabb stays healthy for an entire year, I’ll be shocked, but it could happen. Just as Eddie is counting on his Chiefs to send him to the playoffs, Matty needs help from a couple Redskins – Clinton Portis needs to establish himself as a second-tier RB again, and Jason Campbell better score some points, because McNabb will be hurt at some point.

Playoff Predictions.

Wild Card Round:

Golden defeats Shawn, 116-105

Mark defeats Corey, 131-109

Divisional Round:

Stojak defeats Golden, 142-119

Jared defeats Mark, 106-62

Justice Bowl III:

Jared defeats Stojak, 121-116.

Odds.

Feel free to bet these. Maximum bet, $5.

To Win Justice Bowl:

Stojak 3-1

Jared 4-1

Corey 6-1

Golden 7-1

Sean 7-1

Mark 7-1

Eddie 10-1

Sam 10-1

Spernoga 12-1

Matty 13-1

To Win D1:

Jared EVEN

Sean 3-2

Eddie 4-1

Sam 6-1

Mark 6-1

To Win D2:

Stojak 1-2

Corey 3-1

Golden 3-1

Matty 5-1

Spernoga 8-1

To Score Most Points:

Stojak EVEN

Jared 2-1

Golden 5-1

Corey 5-1

Mark 7-1

Sean 7-1

Matty 8-1

Sam 10-1

Eddie 10-1

Spernoga 13-1

And there it is, folks, your Third Annual Justice League Preview. I say belatedly, and with great pleasure….LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!

Big Sunday Blog

12:36 – Just woke up. Already pissed. Tried to wake up at 11Am, so I could go to my free picks website, and get the top 5 free NFL picks of the day. Now, 80% of the games have already started, and the only pick on the entire top 10 I can take is…the Raiders and the UNDER. Sleeping 25 minutes too long means the only money I have in play today is on the fucking Raiders. What a disaster.

Raiders -3 and UNDER 36. Jesus. Guarantee, I’m going to be seeing Art Shell’s blank stare in my sleep when the lose by 14 and the total is 50.

12:55 - Here's another thing that makes me really uncomfortable. My top scorer today is a former Iowa Hawkeye. Luckily, he's a former Hawkeye that we beat 4 times in a row, so he knows the Truth, but still...if a Hawk leads me to victory today, I might have to throw it back like a home run at Wrigley, while puking in my mouth from the Hawk stench.


1:01 - This one comes in from loyal reader Jared Macke in Bellevegas, IL:

"4th and goal on the 1...and Rackers doesn't kick a Field Goal?!?!? Are you fucking kidding me!!"

This illustrates a good point. Playing fantasy is torture. Its alot like being in a relationship. When you're in one, a big part of you is always like...god, life would be so much more fun if I didn't have this commitment. And when you're out of one, you're usually just like.....goood.............I want to get some. Like, when you're not in a fantasy league you sit there watching football drinking your sad looking Mich Light thinking "man...this could really be exciting if I had a reason to cheer for meaningless TDs." And when you're in a fantasy league, you're constantly watching games going "Man, I could actually enjoy this game if I could just watch it instead of wishing for meaningless TDs."

1:04 - Let's remind ourselves exactly whats at stake in the Justice League today:

I need to either win, or Corey needs to lose, or if I lose and he wins, I need to not let him outscore me by 39. This shouldn't be that hard, and it doesn't really matter that much. There are no byes involved, the big difference is playing Stojak in the semis or the finals.

The fight for the D1 playoff spots are like this:
Eddie ---
Sam -1
Mark -19
Matty -39
Jared -54

Two will get in. Its going to be intense, and the reward for the last wild card spot is probably going to be beating me in the first round.

1:08 - I'm down 4 in a big money pick 'em league with just 5 NFL weeks to play. I am at a point where I need to start picking some underdogs to give myself a chance to get within a point or two by the last week, because 2nd place does me absolutely no good. My big upset this week is Cleveland over Kansas City. They're only a 5 point dog, and sometimes I big winners based on which coach I think is due for a big awkward media moment after a disappointing loss...like we haven't seen any thing really good on a "We play to win the game." from Herm Edwards lately. What do you say, Herm?

1:12 - Iowa State's playing Drake in basketball today. Drake is probably the best college in Iowa, and by best college, I mean the place where you'd go for school, and not to see good basketball. Iowa State's Mike Taylor has 7 points out of our first 10. Taylor is like that really annoying video game basketball player that was always on the computer's team. Sometimes when the computer decides to do awesome, he'll just start chucking threes from like 25 feet and swishing them. Then, for no apparent reason, he'll get really confused and throw a pass to the scorer's table. 15:10 1st, 12-5 Cyclones.

1:16 - Here are the games of record in the pick 'em league for the early NFL slot:

Hartman 114 Jets SD KC Atl
Romer 112 Jets Buff KC Atl
Golden 110 Pack SD Cle Wash

Notice how Hartman is always in the majority. He's a bastard like that. Jets at Pack is already my "what the fuck was I thinking?" game of the day. The Jets D against an awful Pack O-Line? Jets no scared by snow and cold. Damn it. Could cost me the title.

1:20 - Made a big trade in my fantasy league last week. Gave up my backup TE, my backup WR and next year's 1st and 4th round picks for Tom Brady, because McNabb went down. Brady's just not that good. He's consistent, and he likely won't throw for 0 yards, but I mistakenly thought "dating Bridget Moynahan" was some kind of Big Play Bonus.

1:23 - Corey's currently beating me by 32 points, and all his big guns already have TDs: Manning to Marvin, and the Bears D. Typical. Meanwhile, Kevin Jones is peeing himself because he's beating New England, and Torry Holt is filling out his Social Security papers. Look for a big second half from those two.

1:27 - Through the first half, my three WR, Holt Driver and Roy Williams, who three weeks ago were all in the top 10 in the league, have combined for 4 points. Driver actually has negative receiving yards at half time. Is that possible? This relationship stinks.

1:28 - I have commented on this before, but Leinart's picture on FantasyCast makes me laugh every time. It was taken under one of two scenarios: the photographer told him to picture himself as Darth Vader, or it was taken moments after he found out he had ruined his amazing bachelor existence by knocking up an ugly 6 foot basketball player from USC.

1:36 - Somehow, KC just converted 4th and 4 and 2 plays later they've got 1st and goal. This is the stuff GameCast misses. Who fucked up? What was the look on the Browns faces when they were reminded they're 3-9 for a reason?

1:38 - For a second, I think to myself: Awesome, Peyton and the Bears D haven't done much lately. Hard to score from the locker room eating orange slices. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

1:40 - Torrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry HOLT! Holt's really my money player. I have him in both fantasy leagues, and I also have Jeff Wilkins, so Holt's TDs are really like 10 point plays for me usually. I also picked the Rams to win today, so pretty much my destiny is tied to a star, and that star is Torry Holt.

1:44 - KC is going to beat the Browns. Going to remain 5 back, assuming the Redskins can hold off the Falcons. But can't you just see Vick deciding to run for 100 yards in the 2nd half and them winning like 31-14?

1:49 - I may have a chance to upset Eddie in the first round of the NCSA playoffs. I've got Gates and Holt with TDs so far. This is a common response, sinc ethat league doesn't show scores until players are done with their games. So I often think I have a shot, when I'm actually getting beaten by 20.

3:20 - Sorry about that hour and a half delay, my little blogosphere. My girlfriend demanded that someone go with her to this new restaurant called The Grove, and when I suggested some names of her friends, she said "Don't tell me who to hang out with, I want to eat with you." It was really fun.

So here's what we missed:

Cleveland beats KC! I feel like a total genius. Its pretty rare that only ONE person in a pick 'em league picks a team to win, and they do. I have been saying all year that Cleveland is better than people think.

Washington loses to Atlanta. I feel like a total dumbass. Rookie QB, backup RB, and Vick finally had the cathartic "give the finger to the crowd moment" last week and now he feels like he's starting over. Atlanta wins.

Pack loses huge. That was a tough one to pick. I'm now 5 back in pick 'em, but I have lots of chances this afternoon to gain points.

Hartman MIA TB DAL
Me JAX PITT NYG

First of all, Hartman is good. He's in the 99% of our pick em league. But TB winning at PITT??? Tampa Bay is 3 plays away from being 0-11, they're probably the worst team in the NFL, winning at the Super Bowl champs who have had their manhood questioned for the last month? I am one of only two people in the league to pick the Giants. I think this is another case of people going with hype. Is Dallas really that much better than NYG? No. At the Meadowlands, in December. People often misinterpret when teams get after each other in the media. More often than not, teams bond over this stuff and play really well that week. See: Cleveland Browns.

Iowa State just lost to Drake 80-78. We shot a 3 pointer at the buzzer that was ruled no basket. I'm not really upset. We didn't deserve to win the game, and I have 100% confidence in G-Mac. This is a good game to have played now. We'll remember what this feels like when we play Missouri and Kansas.

Romer picked Buffalo to beat CHargers, I just learned, so that's another game gained on second place.

My fantasy team #1 snuck up and had a pretty awesome day. Ladell Betts, former Hawkeye, leads me to victory. Vomit. Torry Holt put down the walker and caught 100 yards. I think I'm pretty safe as far as not letting Corey beat me by 39 points, which is all that matters today. Donald Driver benefitted from this team's ultimate suckitude, and scored 10 points. So I'm at 98, and my defense hasn't played yet. Another pretty good effort. These kids got moxie!

I'm in a position where if Delhomme and Steve Smith have a big day in NCSA league, I may be able to pull off the huge #7 over #2 upset. Eddie's team is a juggernaut, but if Delhomme throws a long Td pass to Smith...both starters of mine...oh the Deuce could cry....which is sad...but not really.

Iowa State wrestles Iowa in 30 minutes. Two Olympic champion coaches going head to head. Cael > Brands. Go Clones.

3:34 - Let's look at this Justice League points race.

Mark is having an OK game, but not really the breakout effort he needs to have a chance to win. He's got Steve Smith, LJ Smith, the Panthers D and Joey Galloway left, and needs a boatload of points.

Sam has 76 with only Reggie Brown, Andre Johnson, and Josh Brown left to go. That's just not the effort you expect from the Spliffs in a knockout game.

Eddie has 69 with Fred Taylor, Eric Moulds and Jason Witten. None of these teams really seem to want it.

Does Pickar have a chance? Matty has 79 points with Delhomme, the Denver D and Brian Westbrook left to play. That is a very, very conceivable 60 points, which would mean as long as no one else scores over 100, Matty would be in. Wow.

Jared is putting up a really good week, but its not going to be enough to beat them all by 59. Unless Alexander scores 50 points.

3:53 - Did you hear? Cleveland beat Kansas City!

4:08 - If you want a laugh, feel free to track your Fantasy Cast and look at the pictures of all the guys from Oakland and Houston. And just picture them as that 40 year old guy that lives on your block that used to play football in junior college and you every now and then seem him running around the block, just knowing that if a gun were to his head, he thinks he could have made the NFL.

4:10 - How many days you think until TO makes some snide comment about Tony Romo, where the rookie finally loses a game, and they ask TO how he feels about it, and he gets that little half smile and says something like...what do you think I think? You saw the game. And basically rips his team organization and city apart for another 4 weeks. Romo just fumbled. O/U 2.5 weeks.

4:20 - Commisserating with the Deuce right now about the Chiefs disappointing loss. Deuce is a huge Chiefs fan; when I was growing up, I always pulled for them because they had ISU colors. One thing I really enjoy about my place in the world as a huge sports dork is that my buddies often call to either celebrate their team's victories or mourn their losses, even though I'm not a fan of that team. They know I'm paying attention on some level. I always feel bad when I have bet on a team to lose that one of my buddies is pulling for. Like, Deuce is really sad right now, and frustrated at the KC inability to blitz Charlie Frye, but I'm happy because the Browns made me look really, really smart. I'm such a softie.
For the record, I think KC will make the playoffs and me totally fine. I think they beat JAX, OAK and BAL and go 10-6.

4:26 - Here's a question I think that's worth pondering. If you were designing the ideal sports league, what would you throw in the mix. Let's say the sport doesn't matter to you at all. Because a lot of peoplpe think that the fact that underdogs win so often in the NFL makes it a great sport. But is almost random outcomes really that great? I mean, the prohibitive Super Bowl favorite just lost to the freakin Titans. (Who have by the way won 5 of their last 7.) Is this what we want in a league? Also, isn't it kind of amazing when you think about it that the best team in baseball in a given year wins 65% of their games, and the best team in football wins like 85%? It seems like favorites should win much more often in football, becaus ethe gap in final record between best and worst teams is so great. And in the NBA, you can pretty much just bet against the team coming off the longest road trip.

4:32 - Gonna have to give the slight edge to Sam now in the playoff hunt in D1. He's up to 80. I guarantee, whichever one of these teams looks the worst this week will play me and beat me.

4:42 - Cyclones losing to Hawks 6-0 in wrestling. According to Gooseman, on the Cyclones board, these were two matches we were supposed to lose, although in the first somehow the Hawk guy made a 3 point come back in the last 30 seconds, then the ISU bench got warned. Which I can only assume means someone looked at Cael and said "holy shit, don't let him hurt me."

4:51 - Let's say you're organizing a boy band for a pick up football game. Don't you think the Dallas Cowboy uniforms with the blue shoulder sleeves and the extremely gay white outlined stars would have to be at the top of the list?

4:52 - Wow, just when Eddie was starting to gain ground, the Raidesr give up a quick TD to the Texans. In the words of Bill Simmons, "Ladies and gentlemen, your 2006 Oakland Raiders!"

4:56 - How awesome is the feeling when you realize there's another football game on that you actually care about. Its instant freedom from commercials for the rest of the game you care about. And then how bad is the feeling, in turn, when both games go to commercial at the same time?

5:07 - Typical G-Talk conversation, after Janikowski missed his second FG of the game (remember, the only game I bet on today)

Jared: How does Janikowski still have a job?
Me: I was just thinking that.
Jared: Is it legal to throw field goal attempts?
Me: Every time I see his face its either mug shot or a missed field goal.

5:13 - Haven't commented on the Titans/Colts game today. I'm usually the last person to make some asinine comment about some guy like: ______ is just a winner. But I honestly think no player to enter the NFL in the last few years is more worthy of the label than Vince Young. I'm not saying Titans to the Super Bowl any time soon. But Vince Young is just a winner. If you were lost in the jungle, and needed to count on one NFL QB to protect your family and get them to safety...could you honestly not pick Vince Young?

5:18 - This is really an exciting hour up ahead for the JL. The lowest scorer in the playoff hunt has the best chance to win: Eddie is down 5 to Sean, and probably needs to win the game to get in the playoffs, where he's probably one of the most dangerous teams. Sam is leading in scoring but has no chance of winning his game. And Jared keeps piling up the points in his Quixotic effort to beat everyone by 50.

5:23 - Did Sebastian Janikowski just miss his THIRD field goal of the game? These aren't 50 yarders I'm talking about. I think he' missed three within 40. This is ridiculous. Character counts.

5:34 - Cyclones are getting piss pounded in wrestling, 15-3, having lost three matches by 1 point in the last 20 seconds of the match. Damn it. Looks like Pittsburgh and Jacksonville have it wrapped up in their games. If the New York Giants can pull this out against Dallas, I will be within of the league lead. HUGE. $500 in my lap right now would feel like...about $500 dropping in my lap.

5:40 - I'm not saying it will happen, but Jared Macke is putting up a shit ton of points today and could actually make the playoffs. He's ahead of Sam by 41, Eddie by 50, Mark by about 100. He needs to beat eveyrone by 54, and he's still got th league MVP playing this evening. That would be phenomenal.

5:42 - CFN and ESPN reporting Florida will play Ohio State. Can't argue with it, can only argue with much of th efaulty reasoning. I wonder if people actually think Florida is better than Michigan, or are trying to manipulate a championship game. The BCS is a total disgrace to college sports.

5:44 - How can Eli Manning be so unbelievably bad in the clutch right now? Is it possible?

5:56 - The Giants have no chance to win this game. THey are about to be down 7 with 4 minutes left and Eli feeling the weight of the world. Its over.

Does anyone, anyone with a BRAIN still think the Bears are a Super Bowl team??? Their QB was 6-19 for 34 yards and -5 fantasy points today. And this is the best team in the NFC???

6:02 - This is what Fantasy does to your brain. Jared Macke is completely broken hearted because Pitt is kicking a FG instead of going for it on 4th down, which give Tampa the ball back and another chance to score on his defense. Keep in mind: this is a 17-0 game between two teams with 7 wins between them. Its like trying to being on crack, and trying to follow the stock market.

6:21 - I'm fully aware that the blogosphere has gone berzerk over this point...but how in the world can coaches, both NFL and college, still consistently be so bad at managing the clock. You're the Giants. You have the ball 1st down at the 15 yard line...time is NOT an issue. You could run 7 plays from there if you had to, which is the most you'd possibly get. You're facing a QB with a hot hand and, let's face it...you're unlucky. You must NOT stop the clock with a time out. I mean, if you have to do it late, with like 25 seconds left, just to make sure things don't get out of hand, go ahead and do it. But you can't take a timeout with a full minute left, then score on the next play. Its horrible.

6:32 - Well, I did pretty well on pick 'em today on the whole. I gained a game, and I've got to gain one game a week to catch up Hartman by season's end. It sure felt like I was doing better than that, though. Giants blowing it. Look back at that one when the season's over.

6:40 - OK, Seattle at Denver and Carolina at Philly are the only games left of the FFL season.

Here is where the playoff races stand:
#3 Seed:

Me 8-4 --- Seattle D
Corey 7-5 -6

I would have to lose to Matty and have the Seattle D score -6 points for me to not retain the #3 seed. Nice season, me. 9-4 after 4-9 last year. Congrats on the first round playoff exit.

#4 Seed:

Sam 5-7 ---- Reggie Brown, PHI, Josh Brown SEA
Eddie 5-7 -8.5 no players left
Mark 5-7 -57 Steve Smith, CAR, LJ Smith PHI, Panthers D

None of the three of these jokers is going to win today, so it only comes down to who scores the most points. If Mark can somehow come back to beat Brian, whom he trails by 63 right now, he would advance automatically.

#6 Seed:

Sam ---- R. Brown PHI, J. Brown SEA
Eddie -8.5 none
Jared -16 S. Alexander SEA
Matty -43 J. Delhomme CAR, B. Westbrook PHI, Broncos D
Mark -57 S. Smith CAR, LJ Smith PHI, Panthers D

Remember, throw out the winner of the #4 seed. JARED is actually looking like the favorite to get this spot right now, thanks to unreal performances across the board. Matty could pick up like 60 points with those three going, all in separate matchups. Mark is almost out of it. I just don't see him getting in.

6:57 - Another big chance to gain ground in pick 'em. I'm taking Seattle on the road at Denver, and I'm sure most people are taking Denver. Down by 31 in the NCSA league with Delhomme, the Carolina D and Steve Smith taking on Darrell Jackson.

7:18 - You know when you realize you've been having so much fun you've forgotten to bathe? Yeah.

7:58 - Well, its Florida vs. Ohio State. I have no idea if Florida is better than Michigan. The absence of a playoff system is a complete disgrace to college football. And don't give me the "Every game is a playoff" argument. Its ridiculous. Florida lost to Auburn. That wasn't a playoff, I guess, was it? All those idiots saying that if Michigan went to the National Title game, that would make the first UM vs. OSU not mean anything? Doesn't the same thing apply to Florida vs. Auburn? That sure didn't mean a damn thing, now did it?

The only reasonable answer is this: A 4 or 8 team playoff. Here's what you do: 8 team playoff. First round games are at campus sites in the middle of December. That way...every game still is insanely important, because you're playing for home field advantage. First round losers can comprise two of the BCS Bowl games. Final four can comprise the other two, and the winners of those two play in the national title. Sure, on the odd numbered years, there would be less interest in two of the bowls. But on the even numbered years, interest would be so ridiculously high, it would compensate. Bowls win, players win, NCAA wins, fairness wins. What's so hard about that?

8:03 - Hartman picked Denver! Hartman picked Denver! If I win, I'm within 3 with 4 weeks to play. That is definitely a distance I can close. 5 with 4 left, I'm gonna have to get desperate, espcially since its going to be rare to find as many toss up games as this weekend.

8:27 - HAHAHAHA. Man. I love QB carousels. First of all - fans for almost every pro team in almost every pro city are absolutely, completely insane. They hvae no appreciation for developing players over a long period of time. They don't look at long run results at all. When a guy wins one game, he's a savior, if he does one retarded thing, he should be fired. The Denver QB situation is absolutely hysterical. Jake Plummer is your QB. You're 7-4 with him at QB, he took you to the AFC Title game last year, your D is prpobably the #1 or #2 in the league, and you have a bruising running game, and one of the best coaches in football. Why, oh why do you change QBs in the middle of a play off drive? And we're not talking about going to a grizzed vet like Brad Johnson here, we're talking about a rookie named Jay Cutler, who is a great talent, but has never QBed a winning team, never QBed a bowl game, never QBed an NFL game, with 5 games left in a playoff drive. And guess what? 80,000 fans in Denver just leaned to their buddy and said: this kid stinks, bring back Plummer.

9:06 - You know what the worst part about all this BCS stuff is? Everyone that thought Florida deserved to pass Michigan is going to go on the airwaves and say "The BCS got it right!" to support their choice. Which is kind of like saying the lottery got it right when they draw your ball.

9:12 - What do you think Jake Plummer's doing right now? The Denver O has thrown one pick, Cutler's fumbled once, and Bell fumbled once. I'm gonna bet he's making that same face Jim on The Office makes when he looks right at the camera while someone else is making an ass of themself...kind of curls his mouth up and shrugs.

9:56 - Sorry. I got wrapped up in this football game. I feel like its the first football I've watched today. Isn't that weird?

10:00 - Oh, fate, you are a tempestuous mistress!! Darrell Jackson being ruled down inside the 1 yard line gives me a lead in pick 'em, keeps Eddie out of the endzone in the NCSA league all in one spot of the ball. Luck and fortune, I bow to thee!

10:05 - Boy, that Jay Cutler looks great. Look at him out there. Big, heavy, strong arm. Good understanding of football. 9-19 72 yards, 1 TD, 2 INt, 1 fumble

10:14 - I'm getting giddy just to watch this Cutler thing unfold. What are the Broncos fans going to do? Defend him? Say "its the best thing for the future"? What can you possibly say when you beg for someone for a year and then he completely, unabashedly stinks on Sunday Night Football?

10:15 - Oh, thank God. They just showed Plummer. And I'll be damned if he doesn't look as confident as I've ever seen him. I think I saw a little swagger inside that mountain man! Is Plummer the world's biggest "I Told You So" candidate in sports right now?

10:19 - Long TD for Denver. Only John Madden would sing the praises of the QB after he throws a screen pass to a wide open WR, the WR breaks like 5 tackles and runs 60 yards after the catch. Which brings up another point. How surprised would you be if someone told you that John Madden hadn't actually been alive since Madden 99? Will we ever reach an era in sports when artificially intelligent voices that perform on video games are hired to do play by play on NBC instead of the other way around? I just giggled at the thought of John Madden being artificially intelligent.

10:24 - Over/under on time until someone says "The NFL over time rules are fine, because if the defense does their job, you get the ball back." Have you ever worked at an office or for an organization where everyone thought it was fair that you did your job before they had to do theirs? Remember how much that sucked. The NFL overtime policy, folks.

10:28 - How hard can it be to not be a shitty announcer? If you dont' have something smart to say, shut the fuck up.

10:33 - Is there an equation for cold vs. elevation affects FG kick distance?

10:36 - OK, here's the run down on the JL

#3 seed: Me
#5 seed: Corey

#4 seed:
Sam ---- Reggie Brown, PHI
Mark -71 Steve Smith CAR, LJ Smith PHI, Carolina D

Mark's got a very, very small chance to advance here. If LJ Smith scores a lot, the Carolina D suffers. So he's gonna have to basically get like a 45 point performance from Steve Smith.

#6 seed:

Jared ---- none
Matty -35 Jake Delhomme CAR, Westbrook PHI
Mark -56 Smith, LJ, Panthers D

Unreal performance from Jared today. Unreal. 54 points down to start the day and, in all fairness, benefitting from all his competition really sucking...he's in a position to do it. And also, if Steve Smith has a big day, Delhomme is going to have one too, almost crushing Mark's chances. I'd say he's got a better chance to win the division than to win this game.


JL Playoff Pairings

1 - Stojak
BYE

4 - Sam/Mark
5 - Corey

3 - Me
6 - Jared/Matty/Mark

2 - Sean
BYE